(If you’re curious, my review process. It’s also pasted at the end of this post. I don’t believe in Rotten Tomatoes. I just believe in me.)
(***all-purpose SPOILER ALERT*** there may be some in this review)
SW SCORE: 30
3 out of 5 🐙
I was a comic book geek in high school. The only girls I talked to were two-dimensional. Some of my friends (and foes) might argue that this has not changed. But what would they know? Ok, they know. Know this: the Silver Surfer is a bad mother-shut your mouth. If he had a wallet, it would look like Sam Jackson’s in Pulp Fiction. He deserves his own movie, something decent. He deserves better. This effort was not good enough. I heard some people say it was better than the first. That should not comfort you.
The dialog was flat. The acting, except for Andre Gaugher (of Homicide and Brooklyn 99 fame) was mediocre and completely devoid of any passion. The Invisible Woman (Jessica Alba) and Mr. Fantastic (Ioan Gruffudd) have about as much chemistry as Skyler and Walt after she found out about the 2nd cell phone. The effects were sub par, particularly considering the array of possibilities with those four powers. Say what you want about Spider-Man 3, and you can say an awful lot of bad things, those action scenes at least maximized the web crawler’s skills. It didn’t glaze over them.
The plot is relatively simple: big baddy from outer space comes to destroy the world. Four incredibly generic performances have to save the day. Particularly bad is Michael Chiklis’ turn. I hated his character on The Shield. I hate watched that show to the bitter end just hoping for him to get his just desserts. But at least I felt something I was supposed to feel. Similarly, Chris Evans, years before he came into his own as Captain America, gave a mostly one note bro version of Johnny Storm, The Human Torch. It’s not super easy to add nuance to Johnny because he really *is* a bro, but it’s up to the director and actor to give three dimensions to him. I’m sorry, but I can’t stomach reviewing this movie anymore. It’s not even that it was horrible. It’s just so horrifically mediocre. I can’t even get a good rant going. But there is one thing I could get fired up a bit about.
To wit: the ending to any comic purist was an effrontery.
Galactus is NOT a fucking cloud. Running out of CGI money is NOT a good enough excuse to debase one of the most powerful beings in the Marvel universe. Not to fucking mention that if Galactus CREATED the Silver Surfer, it doesn’t take a logician to determine that Galactus is a helluva lot more fucking powerful than the Silver Surfer. The Surfer can’t beat Galactus. Are you shitting me? This was was a shit icing on top of a mediocre cake. Yes, I have some feelings about this.
To shamelessly use an obvious pun, this movie was ANYTHING but fantastic.
(1) Shark Wrighter (SW) Score: Based on a sum of 5 sub-scores (acting, directing, writing/story, effects: cinematography &/or animation &/or effects, editing) with 1 being terrible and 10 being terrific.
(2) Octopuses (0-5 🐙, with 5 being fantastic and 0 being feces)
(3) Octopuses are my unquantifiable feeling…not that SW score is scientific…but this one is even less so
(4) ++ This optional section includes any incredibly *brilliant observations that don’t fit into simple quantitative slices like the scores and octopuses *(they are likely NOT brilliant)