(If you’re curious, my review process. It’s also pasted at the end of this post. I don’t believe in Rotten Tomatoes. I just believe in me.)
(***all-purpose SPOILER ALERT*** there may be some in this review)
SW SCORE: 27
2.5 out of 5 🐙
I knew it was gonna suck. So why in God’s name did I go see it? I did it for you people. Just like Jay-Z; I did it so you don’t have to. I spent 4 years of my high school life immersed in the world of comic books. Some would say that human interaction would have been better for my well being. But those people are idealists. I live in the real world. As a card carrying comic geek, I am sworn, true believers, to see every comic book adaptation. I saw Daredevil. I saw Punisher. I even saw Catwoman. I am not above train wrecks.
Call it a self-fulfilling prophecy, but the movie sucked. Nicolas Cage, reviled by as many people who love him, was still getting leading roles in 2007. I can’t name one friend of mine who likes Nicolas Cage. I liked him in Leaving Las Vegas (who didn’t) and Adaptation. Of course I loved him in Moonstruck. The man has had many great roles in many great films. But he also seems to be willing to take many bad roles in many bad films.
Back to the movie. Nicolas Cage plays a man named Johnny Blaze. Johnny is the second in a line of motorcycle daredevils. He finds out his dad is dying from cancer. Johnny gets an offer from a stranger: sell me your soul and I’ll cure your father. Well, the stranger did cure his father of the cancer, but he ended up killing him in another way. I for one cannot believe that the Devil is a shady businessman.
I was raised Roman Catholic. I love anything that has to do with the Devil. It entertains the hell out of me. Pun intended. But it seems to me that these heroes are pretty damn retarded if they think they aren’t gonna get screwed.
It turns out the Devil is a poor parent and his son Blackheart played by Wes Bentley wants to take over the family business. Dad is pissed and tells Johnny that his contract stipulates that he has to become the Ghost Rider and discipline Junior.
The rest of the movie is standard comic book movie architecture. Ghost Rider mows down the main bad guy’s henchmen. The main bad guy finds out Ghost Rider has a weakness. Every comic book hero is contractually obligated to have a loved one as their weakness. His weakness Eva Mendes (who by the grace of God wears outfits that barely cover her breasts – this may be the best part of the movie) phones it in and the sparks between them couldn’t fill an 8th grader’s chemistry set. Once love interest is identified the main bad guy holds that special person hostage. This has been done to death.
The dialogue is particularly unbearable, especially in the “love scenes.” One scene even takes place on a beautiful tree overlooking a meadow full of pretty flowers. Hallmark would not stoop to that level. There is one kind of funny scene between Cage and Mendes in which Cage tries to explain his unusual situation. But the remaining 112 minutes are about as innovative as Xerox machine. The effects are “cool” but I’ve seen so many “cool” effects that they just don’t make a dent anymore. And if I see another Matrix type fight scene or move, I’m going to go back in time and stop the Wachowski brothers from making that movie.
If you expect this movie to suck, and you love comic books, stream this joint. Otherwise save your soul.
(1) Shark Wrighter (SW) Score: Based on a sum of 5 sub-scores (acting, directing, writing/story, effects: cinematography &/or animation &/or effects, editing) with 1 being terrible and 10 being terrific.
(2) Octopuses (0-5 🐙, with 5 being fantastic and 0 being feces)
(3) Octopuses are my unquantifiable feeling…not that SW score is scientific…but this one is even less so
(4) ++ This optional section includes any incredibly *brilliant observations that don’t fit into simple quantitative slices like the scores and octopuses *(they are likely NOT brilliant)