Miami Vice (2006) (mini-review++)

(If you’re curious, my review process. It’s also pasted at the end of this post. I don’t believe in Rotten Tomatoes. I just believe in me.)

(***all-purpose SPOILER ALERT*** there may be some in this review)

acting 3

directing 3

effects 3

editing 5

writing 3

SW SCORE: 17

1.5 out of 5 🐙

++

I, through no fault of my own (lie), lived in the plastic cesspool otherwise known as Miami, Florida from 2003 to 2008.  I feel like I can speak authoritatively on this place.  Miami Vice, the film version of the 80s tv show of the same name, is a movie filled with badly lit sound stages trying to pass off as hot Miami clubs, poor acting (Jamie Foxx and Colin Farrell turn in acting performances that are mostly melodramatic posturing although I guess you can’t blame them for the crap clichés generated by the script), worse dialogue and a transparent and plodding plot.  What it is not full of is sunlight.  Florida is the sunshine state.  I have lived in Los Angeles.  The sun in California does not hold a candle to the intensity that shines down on the 305.  But Michael Mann, who apparently has an aversion to natural light (see Collateral – which I actually quite enjoyed), showed about three frames with sunlight during this film, and even those were muted.  The beach is curiously omitted from this film.  It’s not like Miami has a prominent beach or anything.  And while Miami certainly has residents from all over the globe, Mann decided to make the love interest Asian. I have nothing against Asian people. I do have something against stiff actors so I can’t applaud Li Gong’s performance. What I can’t understand is how the main love interest and female character is not a LatinX person. Neither are the two principal detectives, which to be fair was also the case in the 80s. But 2006 should have been an opportunity to include a main character played by a person from the ethnic majority of the city in which the story takes place. Mann instead chooses to focus on abandoned vacant lots and bridge underpasses.  That’s when he actually is in Miami.  Instead of using the wide variety of locations in Miami, Mann decided to spend a large chunk of the film is in Paraguay and Cuba. I understand that the titular city had to suffer to make this, but why drag in two innocent countries? If you’re a fan of the original series, do not see this. If you’re a fan of entertaining movies, do not see this. In general, do not see this. 

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(1) Shark Wrighter (SW) Score: Based on a sum of 5 sub-scores (acting, directing, writing/story, effects: cinematography &/or animation &/or effects, editing) with 1 being terrible and 10 being terrific.

(2) Octopuses (0-5 🐙, with 5 being fantastic and 0 being feces)

(3) Octopuses are my unquantifiable feeling…not that SW score is scientific…but this one is even less so

(4) ++ This optional section includes any incredibly *brilliant observations that don’t fit into simple quantitative slices like the scores and octopuses *(they are likely NOT brilliant)

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