(If you’re curious, my review process. It’s also pasted at the end of this post. I don’t believe in Rotten Tomatoes. I just believe in me.)
(***all-purpose SPOILER ALERT*** there may be some in this review)
SW SCORE: 5
0.5 out of 5 🐙
G-Men from Hell starts relatively well with credits set over animated comic book panels. That’s also the last time I smiled during the movie.
This is a gumshoe noir film graphic novel adaptation about two “G-Men”, Mike Mattress (Tate Donovan) and Dean Crept (William Forsythe) returning from hell to try to save their souls by performing good deeds. It also features Robert Goulet as Satan. Just that last casting decision should be worth at least one octopus in my rating system. But every aspect of the movie is terrible. The effects are bargain basement, the plot is hardly important, and the entire milieu is a shoddy example of the hardscrabble noir genre. The campy dialogue isn’t witty or interesting. I can only list one line that is funny or interesting in the entire film, spoken by Lt. Langdon (Gary Busey):
“I am a sadistic leather master homosexual!”
That’s an interesting line, but also emblematic of the year in which the movie was released. ‘Homosexual’ is clearly used in the pejorative here as a way to characterize Langdon. That might have flown back then, but it’s lame now.
And that’s it. That’s the only positive-adjacent thing I can say.
Sometimes I make a cheesy last line here, usually a terrible attempt at a pun. But I can’t here. Save yourself.
(1) Shark Wrighter (SW) Score: Based on a sum of 5 sub-scores (acting, directing, writing/story, effects: cinematography &/or animation &/or effects, editing) with 1 being terrible and 10 being terrific.
(2) Octopuses (0-5 🐙, with 5 being fantastic and 0 being feces)
(3) Octopuses are my unquantifiable feeling…not that SW score is scientific…but this one is even less so
(4) ++ This optional section includes any incredibly *brilliant observations that don’t fit into simple quantitative slices like the scores and octopuses *(they are likely NOT brilliant)