Virus (1999) (mini-review++)

(If you’re curious, my review process. It’s also pasted at the end of this post. I don’t believe in Rotten Tomatoes. I just believe in me.)

(***all-purpose SPOILER ALERT*** there may be some in this review)

acting 3

directing 3

effects 3

editing 3

writing 3

SW SCORE: 15

1.5 out of 5 🐙

++

This is basically a very cheap rip off of the seminal sci-fi/horror classic ‘Alien’. A lightly crewed ship encounters a vicious single monster that slowly picks them off. The brave main warrior is a strong woman who rises to the occasion and dispatches the monster. 

That worked great in 1979, when Ridley Scott did it.

It did not work great here. 

Why? Well…

The “Alien” looks like a scrap heap version of Number 5 from Short Circuit, which does not inspire fear. 

The 1990s effects are among the worst from that decade. They are comically bad.

Donald Sutherland, who already has a legendary voice, sports an inexplicably bad Irish accent and a distinct lack of enthusiasm for this role.

Jamie Lee Curtis brings her famous scream, but not much else.

William Baldwin, not the Baldwin you want, leading the way as the hero.

I know this seems like I’m being really lazy. But you have to remember that this ++ section is totally optional. That’s right. I’m getting out of this on a technicality. But also, I think wasting any more of your time (and mine) writing more about this movie would be a dick move. So I’m not gonna. Consider yourself warned. 

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(1) Shark Wrighter (SW) Score: Based on a sum of 5 sub-scores (acting, directing, writing/story, effects: cinematography &/or animation &/or effects, editing) with 1 being terrible and 10 being terrific.

(2) Octopuses (0-5 🐙, with 5 being fantastic and 0 being feces)

(3) Octopuses are my unquantifiable feeling…not that SW score is scientific…but this one is even less so

(4) ++ This optional section includes any incredibly *brilliant observations that don’t fit into simple quantitative slices like the scores and octopuses *(they are likely NOT brilliant)

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