(If you’re curious, my review process. It’s also pasted at the end of this post. I don’t believe in Rotten Tomatoes. I just believe in me.)
(***all-purpose SPOILER ALERT*** there may be some in this review)
SW SCORE: 20
2 out of 5 🐙
I hadn’t heard of this movie but it meets the criteria for my comic book movie ranking project so I jumped in. I didn’t have high hopes. Generally, if it’s a good comic book movie, and it’s English language, I’ve at least heard of it.
Bullet to the Head stars Sylvester Stallone, Jason Momoa, and Christian Slater in an utterly forgettable performance. Not that Stallone or Momoa really delivered much magic here. To be fully fair, even normally charming character actors like Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje felt flat here.
Following some very bizarre looking opening credits, the movie begins at the end. This isn’t an entirely unusual concept, but I was never really a big fan. I don’t see what it buys you from a storytelling perspective. It certainly takes part of the surprise away and isn’t surprise kind of an important element in an action movie? The choice to open with the end and partially dull the surprise was a good stylistic predictor for the rest of the movie. It was a clumsy and dispirited collection of stereotypical action movie tropes (a cop has to team up with a criminal), awkward voiceovers (you’d think Sly could do voiceovers well with his legendary voice but he doesn’t do well here and maybe, to be fair, that’s part of the material he has to work with), mountains of exposition, boring fight scenes, gratuitous nudity (which my teenage self would admonish me for criticizing), and dull, hammy dialogue.
I really want to make the terrible that a bullet to the head would be a better fate than having to watch this movie. But I’m better than that. I’d recommend you watch any of the fabulous action movies in Sly’s filmography or re-watch the Khal Drago seasons of Game of Thrones if you want to see these two fellas at work.
(1) Shark Wrighter (SW) Score: Based on a sum of 5 sub-scores (acting, directing, writing/story, effects: cinematography &/or animation &/or effects, editing) with 1 being terrible and 10 being terrific.
(2) Octopuses (0-5 🐙, with 5 being fantastic and 0 being feces)
(3) Octopuses are my unquantifiable feeling…not that SW score is scientific…but this one is even less so
(4) ++ This optional section includes any incredibly *brilliant observations that don’t fit into simple quantitative slices like the scores and octopuses *(they are likely NOT brilliant)