Hellboy (2019) (mini-review++)

(If you’re curious, my review process. It’s also pasted at the end of this post. I don’t believe in Rotten Tomatoes. I just believe in me.)

(***all-purpose SPOILER ALERT*** there may be some in this review)

acting 3

directing 1

effects 7

editing 3

writing 2

SW SCORE: 16

1 out of 5 🐙

++

Almost immediately, this movie started badly. The creature makeup which is absolutely critical for any movie today but especially for one like Hellboy needs to be flawless. This looked cheap. It was Tales from the Crypt level quality. I don’t mean to insult that classic show because its effects were good for its era. But this is 30 years later. The rest of the movie isn’t much better.

How did I hate it? Let me count the ways: The subplots are ludicrous and don’t add anything to the overall plot. The acting is madly inconsistent, ranging from almost reasonable to laughable. The gore is completely artless. The exposition is long, confusing, and makes no sense. The dialogue is stilted and awkward. The whole film violates its own internal logic as much as possible as if it is trying to set a record. The soundtrack is uninspiring and it’s probably the least problematic aspect of this movie. I was in a sparsely populated theater when I saw this but every punchline was greeted with crickets. They were not funny. There are suddenly brand new powers with no explanation awarded to the heroes to fill plot holes. The set pieces in general are poor imitations of classic set pieces from Ghostbusters. The climax is so anti-climactic that it is an insult to anti-climactic climaxes to call it anti-climactic. We need to find a new word. The flashbacks are worse than the current timeline scenes. And finally, the movie ends on such a lame pun that I didn’t know what to think. on the one hand, the final pun was consistent with the overall quality of the film but on the other hand, how could that have been the best ending line they could think of?

I know I a slagging this movie but it made me angry. It is an absolute insult to the audience. It’s just one geek’s opinion and all but if you want to see a proper and joyous interpretation of the titular character, check out Guillermo del Toro’s versions.

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(1) Shark Wrighter (SW) Score: Based on a sum of 5 sub-scores (acting, directing, writing/story, effects: cinematography &/or animation &/or effects, editing) with 1 being terrible and 10 being terrific.

(2) Octopuses (0-5 🐙, with 5 being fantastic and 0 being feces)

(3) Octopuses are my unquantifiable feeling…not that SW score is scientific…but this one is even less so

(4) ++ This optional section includes any incredibly *brilliant observations that don’t fit into simple quantitative slices like the scores and octopuses *(they are likely NOT brilliant)

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