(If you’re curious, my review process. It’s also pasted at the end of this post. I don’t believe in Rotten Tomatoes. I just believe in me.)
(***all-purpose SPOILER ALERT*** there may be some in this review)
SW SCORE: 26
2.5 out of 5 🐙
It’s an hour in and there hasn’t been one funny joke yet. The one that was borderline was delivered by Mindy Kaling but that one was in the preview. All eight principal characters are fine. Fine is what you answer when you have nothing positive or negative to say about something.
Here’s one funny exchange: (I point it out because I’m not sure there are two)
-Is that hat your brother? He’s hot. You sure he’s dead?
The lone bright shining spot in the film was Awkwafina’s comic turn. What few laughs existed were delivered by her. Anne Hathaway appeared to be playing the version of herself that is often bandied about in the celebrity media: entitled, snobbish, vain, etc. You gotta give it to her for giving the finger to the haters. Conversely, Rihanna, an artist bursting with talent, is given no good dialogue to work with and leaves no mark.
Even the big laugh lines that were so desperately set up to get huge laughs barely got any chuckles form the audience. And it’s not because the audience was particularly tough. it’s because the lines were particularly dull.
The film ends with a wholly predictable twist that anyone who has seen a heist movie could have seen from one hundred miles away.
Finally, I have to ask, in a universe where the previous three Ocean movies consisted of 11, 12, and 13 movies respected, what does it say that the first female version could only come up with 8 characters. Are you telling me that they could only find 8 dynamic actresses? it certainly seems that the producers of this film are saying that. When the title of the film is already showing a lack of faith and creativity, what follows cannot be good.
(1) Shark Wrighter (SW) Score: Based on a sum of 5 sub-scores (acting, directing, writing/story, effects: cinematography &/or animation &/or effects, editing) with 1 being terrible and 10 being terrific.
(2) Octopuses (0-5 🐙, with 5 being fantastic and 0 being feces)
(3) Octopuses are my unquantifiable feeling…not that SW score is scientific…but this one is even less so
(4) ++ This optional section includes any incredibly *brilliant observations that don’t fit into simple quantitative slices like the scores and octopuses *(they are likely NOT brilliant)