Kingsman: The Golden Circle (2017) (mini-review++)

(If you’re curious, my review process. It’s also pasted at the end of this post. I don’t believe in Rotten Tomatoes. I just believe in me.)

(***all-purpose SPOILER ALERT*** there may be some in this review)

acting 6

directing 5

effects 5

editing 5

writing 5

SW SCORE: 26

2.5 out of 5 🐙

++

The opening chase fight scene was fine I suppose but it didn’t really move me. It wasn’t as bad as that slow moving hover sled scene in Solo: A Star Wars Story but it didn’t do anything new or particularly well in the chase scene oeuvre.

Old tropes that need to be retired: the robot arm being moving on it’s own, Julianne Moore and her evil villain island fortress (reeked of Dr. Evil with a coat of seriousness), destroying the good guy’s organization thereby leaving the hero by himself.

A major aesthetic failing was the bad guy tech. For some reason they decided to go with 80s style tech. I get they couldn’t do better in the 80s. But that was then. And what’s worse: one of the best parts of the first movie was its stylish look.  The John Wick franchise was released months before the 1st Kingsman joint and both franchises try to pull off this industrial revolution/modern tech mashup style but, through no fault of its own, John Wick does it darker and much more beautifully.

And loo, I love her but Julianne Moore is a serious downgrade from Samuel L. Jackson as the main baddie. Two things: MOST people would not compare to SLJ. And secondly, JM could have brought a wicked twist to the main villain role but she was directed with very little creativity.

OK, it’s kinda funny that they kidnapped Elton John. Kinda. And, yes, I guess it’s kinda funny that the guy who played Elton John is in a movie with him. Kinda.

Some of the CGI is straight up terrible and that just cannot stand in a comic book adaptation.

Halle Berry, interestingly, is also in the John Wick franchise. But she is much more interesting there.

Some criticism that is probably due to me being old and lame: I didn’t think the “pee on me” joke and planting a bug in a character’s vagina gag, which were both clearly supposed to get huge laughs, just came off as gross for gross sake to me. I have no issue with gross, sophomoric humor. But these seemed to be missing the humor part. But, yes, I am old and lame.

It took an hour and 20 minutes to reveal the main villain’s evil plan. I found myself sighing from impatience and boredom. And when it was revealed, they inexplicably decided to cop the cartoonish Dr. Evil ransom vibe. The American president in the movie was little better than a two dimensional cartoon and that is far too unrealistic because a cartoon would probably do a better job than the current administration.

The whole movie just felt unoriginal and predictable to me which was something the original did not do.

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(1) Shark Wrighter (SW) Score: Based on a sum of 5 sub-scores (acting, directing, writing/story, effects: cinematography &/or animation &/or effects, editing) with 1 being terrible and 10 being terrific.

(2) Octopuses (0-5 🐙, with 5 being fantastic and 0 being feces)

(3) Octopuses are my unquantifiable feeling…not that SW score is scientific…but this one is even less so

(4) ++ This optional section includes any incredibly *brilliant observations that don’t fit into simple quantitative slices like the scores and octopuses *(they are likely NOT brilliant)

 

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