Road House (1989) (mini-review++)

(If you’re curious, my review process. It’s also pasted at the end of this post. I don’t believe in Rotten Tomatoes. I just believe in me.)

(***all-purpose SPOILER ALERT*** there may be some in this review)

acting 6

directing 6

effects 6

editing 6

writing 6

SW SCORE: 30

5* out of 5 🐙

*(THAT’S RIGHT, MY HEART SAYS 5! NAMASTE, MF-ER’S!!!!)

++

This was a long overdue first watch for me. I respect Patrick Swayze (RIP) as he is an 80s icon but I was never a big fan of some of his most famous movies (Ghost, Dirty Dancing) so I wasn’t interested in seeing an action movie with him as the lead. But I kept seeing people rave about it so I finally gave in. I really thought it was going to be one of those “it’s so bad it’s good” situations.

(And in a sense it is. And in a sense it isn’t. Because there is no bad. There is no good. Thee is just whatever you love. And whatever you hate. And even if my dumb ass hates the shit you love and you hate the shit I love, it’s all good. I’m happy for you! I’m happy for me! Fuck guilty pleasure. Let your film freak flag fly!)

OK, back to this movie. I loved it. I don’t remember laughing so hard at so many lines that were intended to be serious and laughing so hard at so many terrible jokes that were supposed to be good. I’m not gonna add more because I did my best to live tweet my watch so those observations are more than enough. I’ll just say that the 80s could not have been closed out with a more absolutely amazing 80s action masterpiece!

(Special honorable mention to Ben Gazzara for being a super slimy, super condescending asshole villain. And my teenage self would like to thank Julie Michaels for her role which seemed to consist mostly of being super hot and supplying the requisite gratuitous nudity that is a hallmark of 80s action movies.)

AGAIN: MANY spoilers follow!

.

.

.

(opening tweet)

#NowWatching Road House (1989)

First time watch! I’m psyched!

Nominated for 5 Razzies!

Exclamation points!!!

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098206/

#patrickSwayze #80smovies

.

.

.

live tweeting starts:

(1)

I always wondered if a guy could have flared hair and be tough. I now have the answer.

(2)

“Hey, buddy, what are you doin’? Are you gonna kiss ’em or not?”

“I can’t. I ain’t got twenty bucks”.

I like the exploration of business ethics. As a freelancer, I’ve always wondered if I should demand payment ahead of time.

(3)

“It ain’t the money, but if I don’t charge you, the Presbyterians are likeIy to pray for my ruination.”

This movie has #religion and #philosophy, too! What doesn’t it have?

(4)

Dalton catches a fellow employee, ahem, fraternizing, with a customer, and fires him.

“But I’m on my break!”

Gold. Comedy gold.

(5)

Somewhere, Taoist monk Zhang San Feng is smiling as Patrick Swayze does #taichi.

(6)

“Pain don’t hurt.” More singular #philosophy.

(7)

“Man’s search for faith, that sort of shit.”

I want to take Dalton’s #philosophy course.

(8)

Screen Shot 2020-04-05 at 5.22.21 PM

#SamElliott with the best hair of his illustrious career. #bighairDONTcare #80shair

(9)

“If I was doing any better, I couldn’t live with myself.” #samElliott #roadHouse

(10)

(I didn’t tweet this because it was too easy a joke when Sam Elliott’s character has so many much better lines)

“This place has a sign over the urinal that says “don’t eat the big white mint” #samElliott #roadhouse

(11)

“It’s quiet and the horses let me know if anybody comes around.” #datingAdvice, good things to say if you live above a barn. What does Dalton not know? #roadhouse

(FWIW this is the swankiest room above a barn ever)

(12)

Who is that guy?

Gentlemen, Wade Garrett.

Holy shit.

Wade Garrett: Exactly right.

(13)

OK, I get that this is an #80s action film set in a small town where the main bad guy owns the cops but how many places have to get blown up before someone calls the real city cops? I know. I know. That would be boring. #roadhouse (don’t get me wrong, I’m loving this movie)

(14)

If Dalton is not the peacock type, why the clunky Benz? If he’s gonna be humble, why a Benz at all? Product placement, I suppose. He should have just had a boring pickup. Either you’re that guy or you’re not. Again, I’m nitpicking. Overall, I’m loving this flick. #roadhouse #80s

(15)

(I didn’t tweet this because I forgot)

And he kills the main bad guy lieutenant by pulling out his throat? Really, what more could you ask for in a movie?

(16)

After the biggest idiot (Tinker) gets trapped by taxidermy polar bear so it looks like they are going at it: “You’re made for each other.”

(17)

(didn’t tweet this – just didn’t meet my exacting standards)

Nice call back to an earlier scene when he kicks the main bad guy down by knocking out his knee

(18)

“A polar bear fell on me.” Can’t ask for a better last line for this movie. #roadhouse #80s

.

.

.

.

.

.

(1) Shark Wrighter (SW) Score: Based on a sum of 5 sub-scores (acting, directing, writing/story, effects: cinematography &/or animation &/or effects, editing) with 1 being terrible and 10 being terrific.

(2) Octopuses (0-5 🐙, with 5 being fantastic and 0 being feces)

(3) Octopuses are my unquantifiable feeling…not that SW score is scientific…but this one is even less so

(4) ++ This optional section includes any incredibly *brilliant observations that don’t fit into simple quantitative slices like the scores and octopuses *(they are likely NOT brilliant)

 

 

 


					

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.