Numbers Don’t Lie But Love Beats Math (always)

star.pngHere are my heart (not head) rankings for all the Star Wars movies (from WORST to best):

Episode 2

Episode 1

Episode 3

Solo

Episode 9

Episode 7

Episode 8

Rogue One

Episode 6

Episode 4

Episode 5

But I am in love with my pseudoscience data rankings. So let’s see what my dopey formula spits out (my HEAD not heart rankings):

—Recalculating—

So according to Shark Wrighter score calculations, the worst to best Star Wars movies are:

Episode 2 (4)

Episode 1 (5)

Episode 3 (8)

Solo (25)

Episode 9 (26)

Episode 7 (38)

Episode 8 (40)

Episode 6 (41)

Episode 4 (42)

Rogue One (45)

Episode 5 (49)

My heart really wanted the original trilogy to occupy the three top spots. But I cannot deny the brilliance of Rogue One. And I am ok with the uneven but still entertaining and satisfying Last Jedi.

But in the end, in the galaxies where numbers do not dwell, the first trilogy will never be supplanted in my soul. No movie (not even my favorite Pulp Fiction) will never bring me as much joy as the original trilogy did.

Because I’ll never be a kid again and kids experience happiness on a level that adults have forgotten how to reach. There is joy in adulthood but it’s been diluted by experience and time. My early 80’s joy was perfect, in every single way, and brighter than Tatooine’s two suns.

*********

Here are the individual mini-reviews (in case you don’t want to click on the links above):

(also listed from WORST to BEST)

2.jpg

II

Attack of the Clones:

acting 0

directing 0

effects 2

editing 2

writing 0

SW SCORE: 4

0 out of 5 🐙

++

The sheer amount of lame: Jango Fett. Political votes playing a key role in a sci-fi/fantasy picture. That unspeakably horrible romance. F*ck Lucas.

1

I

The Phantom Menace

acting 0

directing 0

effects 3

editing 2

writing 0

SW SCORE: 5

0 out of 5 🐙

++

Jar Jar. Betraying all the fans. Midichlorians. Worst prequel ever. Racist character accents. Jar Jar. Decades-long wait for this? F*ck Lucas. Jar Jar. Killing off the only charismatic character in all of the prequels.

33.png

III

Revenge of the Sith

acting 3

directing 0

effects 2

editing 2

writing 1

SW SCORE: 8

0 out of 5 🐙

++

The sheer amount of lame: Grievous. Dooku. Terrible duel at the end. Kashyyyk deserved better. Padme’s ludicrous death. The rotten cherry to top off the worst trilogy ever. F*ck Lucas.

solo.jpg

S

Solo

5 acting

5 story

5 effects

5 directing

5 editing

SW score: 25

2.5 out of 5 octopi

++

I’ll say this much for the prequels. Sure, they were absolutely terrible but at least they inspired some kind of emotional reaction from me (sure, it was hate, but still). I felt nothing. This is a mediocrity in its most shiny form.

9.jpg

IX

The Rise of Skywalker

acting 6

directing 4

effects 9

editing 4

writing 3

SW SCORE: 26

2.6 out of 5 🐙

++

MANY SPOILERS FOLLOW!!!

OK. Let’s do this. Do you want the good news or bad news first? The bad news? You’re my kind of people.

THE BAD NEWS:

The jokes don’t land. I was in a sold-out opening night screening and I heard the audience chuckle three times. Chuckle. Not guffaw. Not laugh out loud. Not chortle. Chuckle.

The writing is mediocre, clichéd, and haphazard.

It is lazily derivative of other huge franchises. Two examples:

Kylo Ren’s Knights are a straight rip of the Ringwraiths from the Lord of the Rings except in that franchise, they are actually given meaningful screen time, an interesting backstory, and important shit to do.

The desert bikes ridden by the stormtroopers are a straight rip of the motorcycles in The Dark Knight Rises.

But it doesn’t just rip off other franchises. It steals from itself:

Leia sacrificing her life to reach out to Kylo Ren is a straight rip of Luke sacrificing his life in Episode VIII.

Kylo sacrificing his life to save Rey is a straight rip of Leia sacrificing her life…IT’S A RIP OFF OF SOMETHING IN THE SAME FUCKING MOVIE.

The reveal that Rey is Palpatine’s granddaughter is a straight rip of the scene in Episode IV when Luke finds out Darth Vader is his father.

The moment when one of Kylo Ren’s Knights…

(Also, these guys were never introduced, fleshed out, explained, or anything. This was a rich area to explore and maybe an exploration didn’t fit this movie but still, it left me wanting more info about them because all I knew about them is that they like to wear masks like their boss)

…follows a ship full of good guys is a straight rip of the scene in Episode IV when Bobe Fett follows the Falcon after it detaches from the Star Destroyer.

The scene where Rey encounters herself in a weird battle scene is a straight rip from the scene in Episode IV when Luke sees his face under Darth Vader’s mask in the Dagobah cave after killing that Vader.

THE GOOD NEWS:

So besides the NO-luster writing, the movie looks good most of the time. But looks don’t do enough.

The corporate masters at Disney will hopefully look for new talent to shepherd the next slate of Star Wars movies. I think they need look no further than the boutique studio under their umbrella. You may have heard of it; Marvel Studios? Or just let Jon Favreau make a Mandalorian movie. Or just let him do whatever he wants. The guy is Midas.

7.jpeg

VII

The Force Awakens

acting 8

directing 8

effects 9

editing 7

writing 6

SW SCORE: 38

3.8 out of 5 🐙

++

This was a HUGE RELIEF after the prequels. It would have been impossible, I think, to do worse than the prequels. The story was a rehash but great new leads were introduced to shepherd the franchise into the future. Also, I LOVED emo Kylo.

8.jpg

VIII

The Last Jedi

acting 8

directing 8

effects 9

editing 8

writing 7

SW SCORE: 40

4 out of 5 🐙

++

46% of fans hated it. Most critics raved. In every previous Star Wars movie, the critics and fans loved it or hated it together so this was a first. I’m in the middle. The good: Luke’s sacrifice, Rey-Kylo telepathy scenes. Yoda. The Bad: the casino subplot. The Snoke/Kylo/Rey scene. The Snoke animation.

6.jpg

VI

Return of the Jedi:

acting 8

directing 8

effects 10

editing 8

writing 7

SW SCORE: 41

5 out of 5 🐙

++

Luke’s debut as a Jedi.Yoda’s death.Boba’s lame death.Darth’s redemption.imperial guards.emperor.ewoks. YES EWOKS. Jabba.That bikini.

4.jpg

IV

A New Hope:

acting 6

directing 7

effects 10

editing 10

writing 9

SW SCORE: 42

5 out of 5 🐙

++

The movie that started it all! R2D2’s sad noise-when C3PO says he doesn’t like him. Lightsabers. Vader. Luke. Sand Peeps. Alec Guinness. The Falcon. Solo. Chewie.

rogue.jpg

R

Rogue One

acting 9

directing 9

effects 9

editing 9

writing 9

SW SCORE: 45

5 out of 5 🐙

++

If this is how good stand-alone Star Wars universe movies can be then I am out of my mind waiting for Solo. (You can see I reviewed this before Solo) Gripping. Joyous. Poignant. Contained. Honor. Bravo!

5.jpg

V

The Empire Strikes Back:

acting 9

directing 10

effects 10

editing 10

writing 10

SW SCORE: 49

5 out of 5 🐙

++

Best sequel ever. Best Star Wars movie ever. Boba Fett.Luke’s daddy issues & their first fight. Biily Dee Williams.Yoda.Minor incest kiss.At-Ats.Hoth Yeti. 5 (out of 5) octopuses.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.