The English Patient (1996) (mini-review++)

eng.jpg(If you’re curious, my review process. It’s also pasted at the end of this post. I don’t believe in Rotten Tomatoes. I just believe in me.)

(***all-purpose SPOILER ALERT*** there may be some in this review)

acting 7

directing 6

effects 7

editing 6

writing 6


3 out of 5 🐙


I know I’m in the small minority here but I thought this was a ponderous, agonizingly boring, melodramatic, torture device in the form of a motion picture. I tried to be as fair as I could with my scores but I’m only human and a pretty undisciplined one at that. I advise you to ignore this review and go see it for yourself. But I’ll tell you a funny anecdote. I am old.

But I took a young lady on a first date to see this movie. If you could pick the worst kind of movie to see on a first date, it would be this. I don’t know what I was thinking. To add insult to my own injury I also “yada-yada’d” the goodbye. She was not pleased. Needless to say, there wasn’t a second date.







(1) Shark Wrighter (SW) Score: Based on a sum of 5 sub-scores (acting, directing, writing/story, effects: cinematography &/or animation &/or effects, editing) with 1 being terrible and 10 being terrific.

(2) Octopuses (0-5 🐙, with 5 being fantastic and 0 being feces)

(3) Octopuses are my unquantifiable feeling…not that SW score is scientific…but this one is even less so

(4) ++ This optional section includes any incredibly *brilliant observations that don’t fit into simple quantitative slices like the scores and octopuses *(they are likely NOT brilliant)


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