(If you’re curious, my review process. It’s also pasted at the end of this post. I don’t believe in Rotten Tomatoes. I just believe in me.)
(***all-purpose SPOILER ALERT*** there may be some in this review)
SW SCORE: 37
4 out of 5 🐙
In about 5 hours, I will be sitting in a comfy movie theater seat at my 2nd favorite movie theater in the area. As part of their weekly retro movie program, the theater will be showing Predator, one of Arnold’s action/sci-fi classics. I’m looking forward to it. I grew up in the ’80s and Arnold movies were a staple of my upbringing. Also, I’m pretty sure I never saw it on the big screen since I was only 13 at the time and my dad was unpredictable when it came to letting me see rated R movies. If Eddie Murphy was the star he would go see it with me and he often let me slide on Sly Stallone flicks. But Arnold was often forbidden. Probably because his movies were too badass.
And I know this has been mentioned before; the fact that two future governors starred in this movie (Jessie Ventura of Minnesota and the Governator for California). And everyone laughed and laughed at how silly the people of those two gone States were to elect former actors. I don’t hear much laughing anymore.
So, as usual, I’m gonna list 5 great quotes and 5 great non-quote things in the movie. I’m gonna write the quotes now but I’ll be taking notes during the movie for the latter part.
So without further ado:
- “I ain’t got time to bleed.”
- “If it bleeds, we can kill it.”
- “When I was little, we found a man. He looked like – like, butchered. The old woman in the village crossed themselves… and whispered crazy things, strange things. “El Diablo cazador de hombres.” Only in the hottest years this happens. And this year, it grows hot. We begin finding our men. We found them sometimes without their skins… and sometimes much, much worse. “El cazador trofeo de los hombres” means the demon who makes trophies of men.”
“Billy. Billy! The other day, I was going down on my girlfriend. I said to her, “Jeez you got a big pussy. Jeez you got a big pussy.” She said, “Why did you say that twice?” I said, “I didn’t.”
[Billy stares blankly]
“See, ’cause of the echo.”
[Hawkins walks away; after a few moments, Billy starts laughing heartily]
“I’m scared Poncho.”
“Bullshit. You ain’t afraid of no man.”
“There’s something out there waiting for us, and it ain’t no man. We’re all gonna die.”
[after Dutch has nailed a guy to the wall with his knife]
Dutch: Stick around.
- When Carl Weathers and Arnold encounter each other for the first time in the movie they clasp their right hands together and begin a shit-talking arm wrestling match of sorts. It’s really stupid but it always makes me laugh.
- Anytime the crazy machine gun used by The Body initially is fired. It’s got to be the most over the top machine gun in action movie history.
- When Arnold’s group of soldiers fires every gun they have into a patch of the jungle where the Predator was last seen for like 2 straight minutes. Even for this movie, it’s over the top. But it still makes me laugh.
- How Arnold’s group kills literally everyone in this guerrilla camp except there is just one lucky survivor: a very attractive lady. Isn’t that amazing?
In summary, if you are an action fan and love unintentional comedy, go watch Predator. It still delivers!
(1) Shark Wrighter (SW) Score: Based on a sum of 5 sub-scores (acting, directing, writing/story, effects: cinematography &/or animation &/or effects, editing) with 1 being terrible and 10 being terrific.
(2) Octopuses (0-5 🐙, with 5 being fantastic and 0 being feces)
(3) Octopuses are my unquantifiable feeling…not that SW score is scientific…but this one is even less so
(4) ++ This optional section includes any incredibly *brilliant observations that don’t fit into simple quantitative slices like the scores and octopuses *(they are likely NOT brilliant)