Red Sparrow (2018) (mini-review++)

red-sparrow-01-gq-1mar18_b.jpg(If you’re curious, my review process. It’s also pasted at the end of this post. I don’t believe in Rotten Tomatoes. I just believe in me.)

(***all-purpose SPOILER ALERT*** there may be some in this review)

Red Sparrow 

acting 6

directing 6

effects 5

editing 5

writing 5


2.5 out of 5 🐙


This JLaw joint didn’t get too much love from the critics. I think it actually got a lower rotten tomatoes percentage than Mother! did but the critics who pimped that move were just plain wrong. It was not a movie. It was an abomination.
My expectations were low going into this.
Here are 5 moments and quotes that were memorable, for good or bad:
  1. She’s an occupational therapist by day and a nationally prestigious ballerina at night.  Why? What does that possibly add to the movie? There was a ballet scene, too. I always wonder if actors actually learn how to ballet dance or whatever it is they are portraying or if it’s just camera tricks with stunt people. Either way, ballet is boring and so was the scene…UNTIL her male ballet dance partner did a Black Swan on her knew and left her with a gruesome broken leg.  That was unexpected except for the part where they closed in on the male partner’s face right before the dance scene which pretty much announced to everyone watching the movie that something bad was about to go down.
  2. So fast forward some months and she is mostly rehabbed from her gruesome injury.  Her creepy uncle tells her since she can’t pay for her sick mom’s healthcare without her ballet career, she can go work for the creepiest government spy program ever.  Her first assignment was to bludgeon a couple who were banging.  That was unexpected.
  3. The first guy she is supposed to seduce rapes her.  This makes no sense. Especially since we just went through an entire training program where it was made explicit to JLaw and all her classmates that they were expected to give it up for mother Russia.  Oh but then a dude dressed like one of the daft punk guys rescued her. That was amusing.
  4. I didn’t know this movie was famous for JLaw doing explicit nude scenes. I really had not heard about it.  But I’m a heterosexual male so I’m not complaining.
  5. In the world’s most expected “twist” JLaw falls for her target. I don’t think there’s a spy movie in history where the target the spy after them DON’T fall for each other.  So he offers her his bed and he takes the couch and in a SHOCKING development, she comes out to him in the middle of the night, wearing only lingerie, and asks him “Can I trust you?”  Let me speak for all of the heterosexual men on the planet, alive and dead.  There is not one of us who would say anything but yes in that situation.
  1. “The Cold War did not end. It shattered into a 1000 dangerous pieces”
  2. “We all have our passions. His happened to be very young.”
  3. “Find beauty in the delusion.”
  4. “You sent me to whore school.” (I LOL’d at this. I don’t think it’s possible that this was a one-take scene.)
  5. “I have nieces. They spend most of their time exposing themselves on the internet.”
In summary:
There was a lot of slow going in this movie.  Lots of time where nothing happened except shots of JLaw looking incredibly sexy and upset and staring into the distance. I fell asleep at one point. But then towards the end, JLaw said an angry line and it scared me awake. The end is kind of a blur since I had just woken up but it wasn’t all that interesting. The denouement was nicely done.  Nice bookend. Meh.







(1) Shark Wrighter (SW) Score: Based on a sum of 5 sub-scores (acting, directing, writing/story, effects: cinematography &/or animation &/or effects, editing) with 1 being terrible and 10 being terrific.

(2) Octopuses (0-5 🐙, with 5 being fantastic and 0 being feces)

(3) Octopuses are my unquantifiable feeling…not that SW score is scientific…but this one is even less so

(4) ++ This optional section includes any incredibly *brilliant observations that don’t fit into simple quantitative slices like the scores and octopuses *(they are likely NOT brilliant)

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