(If you’re curious, my review process. It’s also pasted at the end of this post. I don’t believe in Rotten Tomatoes. I just believe in me.)
(***all-purpose SPOILER ALERT*** there may be some in this review)
Gremlins 2: The New Batch
SW SCORE: 37
4 out of 5 🐙
Right. So I like movies. And I like to talk shit. So I’m going to periodically talk shit about movies I hate and love and everything in between. I’m not going to provide you with nuanced or well researched or educated or sophisticated or probably even remotely entertaining reviews. I’mma let my freak flag fly and just let my philistine soul sing.
They’ll be like this: I will give as short an intro as possible. Then I’ll give 5 quotes that I loved (or hated) from the flick and 5 moments (an actor’s performance, a set design, a plot point, etc) that I loved (or hated).
This was all inspired by the Top 5 list-making in High Fidelity. And 5 is my favorite number (not telling you why).
Gremlins 2: The New Batch was the much-maligned sequel to the classic horror flick ‘Gremlins’. I don’t know anyone who likes this movie besides me. But I LOVE it. Kiss my ass, haters! Anyways, here goes nothing.
Fire! The untamed element! Giver of warmth! Destroyer of forests! Right now, this building is on fire! Leave the building and act the age-old drama of self-preservation!
Because of the end of civilization, the Clamp Cable Network now leaves the air. We hope you’ve enjoyed our programming, but more importantly, we hope you’ve enjoyed life.
All they have to do is to eat three or four children and there’d be the most appalling publicity.
They put me on at 3am. People who are awake at 3am aren’t afraid of the Wolfman. The only thing that frightens those people is sobering up and going to work.
Tonight, on the Clamp Cable Classic Movie Channel, don’t miss Casablanca, now in full color with a happier ending.
When the Gremlins break the 4th wall and actually interrupt the Gremlins 2 movie itself. And Hulk Hogan himself has to scare them into continuing to run the movie.
There’s an acid beaker with this text on it: “Acid: Do Not Throw In Face” so A Gremlin grabs it and immediately throws it into another Gremlin’s face.
When Leonard Maltin is giving Gremlins a bad review and actual Gremlins come in and maul him.
Christopher Lee has a role in this movie!
When an electric (made of pure electricity) Gremlin gets caught in Mr. Clamp’s phone and the terrible hold music starts to play and he starts screaming bloody murder.
MY FAVORITE THING IN THE MOVIE
(combo quote and moment)
Grandpa Fred (played by the singular Robert Prosky – RIP): [interviewing Brain Gremlin] Creature what is it that you want?
Brain Gremlin: Fred, what we want is, I think, what everyone wants, and what you and your viewers have: civilization.
Grandpa Fred: Yes, but what sort of civilization are you speaking of?
Brain Gremlin: The niceties, Fred. The fine points: diplomacy, compassion, standards, manners, tradition… that’s what we’re reaching toward. Oh, we may stumble along the way, but civilization, yes. The Geneva Convention, chamber music, Susan Sontag. Everything your society has worked so hard to accomplish over the centuries, that’s what we aspire to; we want to be civilized.
[a Gremlin with a beanie cap acts goofy next to Brain]
Brain Gremlin: You take a look at this fellow here.
[Brain shoots the Gremlin in the head. The Gremlins in the bar laugh. Grandpa Fred and Kujitsu leave]
Brain Gremlin: Now, was that civilized? No, clearly not. Fun, but in no sense civilized. Now, bear in mind, none of us has been in New York before. There are the Broadway shows – we’ll have to find out how to get tickets. There’s also a lot of street crime, but I believe we can watch that for free. We want the essentials. Dinettes. Complete bedroom groups. Convenient credit, even though we’ve been turned down in the past.
(1) Shark Wrighter (SW) Score: Based on a sum of 5 sub-scores (acting, directing, writing/story, effects: cinematography &/or animation &/or effects, editing) with 1 being terrible and 10 being terrific.
(2) Octopuses (0-5 🐙, with 5 being fantastic and 0 being feces)
(3) Octopuses are my unquantifiable feeling…not that SW score is scientific…but this one is even less so
(4) ++ This optional section includes any incredibly *brilliant observations that don’t fit into simple quantitative slices like the scores and octopuses *(they are likely NOT brilliant)