Numbers Don’t Lie But Love Beats Math (always)

star.pngI rated the Star Wars movies a while back and I wanted to mini-review them to see if my original rankings held up. Here’s the original rank (WORST to best): (BTW: I originally posted this before Solo was released)

Episode 2

Episode 1

Episode 3

Episode 7

Episode 8

Rogue One

Episode 6

Episode 4

Episode 5

*********

Here are the individual mini-reviews (in case you don’t want to click on the links above):

(also listed from WORST to BEST)

II

Attack of the Clones:

acting 0

directing 0

effects 2

editing 2

writing 0

SW SCORE: 4

0 out of 5 🐙

++

The sheer amount of lame: Jango Fett. Political votes playing a key role in a sci-fi/fantasy picture. That unspeakably horrible romance. F*ck Lucas.

I

The Phantom Menace

acting 0

directing 0

effects 3

editing 2

writing 0

SW SCORE: 5

0 out of 5 🐙

++

Jar Jar. Betraying all the fans. Midichlorians. Worst prequel ever. Racist character accents. Jar Jar. Decades-long wait for this? F*ck Lucas. Jar Jar. Killing off the only charismatic character in all of the prequels.

III

Revenge of the Sith

acting 3

directing 0

effects 2

editing 2

writing 1

SW SCORE: 8

0 out of 5 🐙

++

The sheer amount of lame: Grievous. Dooku. Terrible duel at the end. Kashyyyk deserved better. Padme’s ludicrous death. The rotten cherry to top off the worst trilogy ever. F*ck Lucas.

S

Solo

6 acting

6 story

5 effects

5 directing

5 editing

SW score: 27

2.5 out of 5 octopi

++

I’ll say this much for the prequels. Sure, they were absolutely terrible but at least they inspired some kind of emotional reaction from me (sure, it was hate, but still). I felt nothing. This is a mediocrity in its most shiny form.

VII

The Force Awakens

acting 8

directing 8

effects 9

editing 7

writing 6

SW SCORE: 38

3.8 out of 5 🐙

++

This was a HUGE RELIEF after the prequels. It would have been impossible, I think, to do worse than the prequels. The story was a rehash but great new leads were introduced to shepherd the franchise into the future. Also, I LOVED emo Kylo.

VIII

The Last Jedi

acting 8

directing 8

effects 9

editing 8

writing 7

SW SCORE: 40

4 out of 5 🐙

++

46% of fans hated it. Most critics raved. In every previous Star Wars movie, the critics and fans loved it or hated it together so this was a first. I’m in the middle. The good: Luke’s sacrifice, Rey-Kylo telepathy scenes. Yoda. The Bad: the casino subplot. The Snoke/Kylo/Rey scene. The Snoke animation.

VI

Return of the Jedi:

acting 8

directing 8

effects 10

editing 8

writing 7

SW SCORE: 41

5 out of 5 🐙

++

Luke’s debut as a Jedi.Yoda’s death.Boba’s lame death.Darth’s redemption.imperial guards.emperor.ewoks. YES EWOKS. Jabba.That bikini.

IV

A New Hope:

acting 6

directing 7

effects 10

editing 10

writing 9

SW SCORE: 42

5 out of 5 🐙

++

The movie that started it all! R2D2’s sad noise-when C3PO says he doesn’t like him. Lightsabers. Vader. Luke. Sand Peeps. Alec Guinness. The Falcon. Solo. Chewie.

R1

Rogue One

acting 9

directing 9

effects 9

editing 9

writing 9

SW SCORE: 45

5 out of 5 🐙

++

If this is how good stand-alone Star Wars universe movies can be then I am out of my mind waiting for Solo. (You can see I reviewed this before Solo) Gripping. Joyous. Poignant. Contained. Honor. Bravo!

V

The Empire Strikes Back:

acting 9

directing 10

effects 10

editing 10

writing 10

SW SCORE: 49

5 out of 5 🐙

++

Best sequel ever. Best Star Wars movie ever. Boba Fett.Luke’s daddy issues & their first fight. Biily Dee Williams.Yoda.Minor incest kiss.At-Ats.Hoth Yeti. 5 (out of 5) octopuses.

—Recalculating—

So according to Shark Wrighter score calculations, the worst to best Star Wars movies are:

Episode 2 (4)

Episode 1 (5)

Episode 3 (8)

Solo (27)

Episode 7 (38)

Episode 8 (40)

Episode 6 (41)

Episode 4 (42)

Rogue One (45)

Episode 5 (49)

My heart really wanted the original trilogy to occupy the three top spots. But I cannot deny the brilliance of Rogue One. And I am ok with the uneven but still entertaining and satisfying Last Jedi.

But in the end, in the galaxies where numbers do not dwell, the first trilogy will never be supplanted in my soul. No movie (not even my favorite Pulp Fiction) will never bring me as much joy as the original trilogy did.

Because I’ll never be a kid again and kids experience happiness on a level that adults have forgotten how to reach. There is joy in adulthood but it’s been diluted by experience and time. My early 80’s joy was perfect, in every single way, and brighter than Tatooine’s two suns.

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