(If you’re curious, my review process. It’s also pasted at the end of this post. I don’t believe in Rotten Tomatoes. I just believe in me.)
(***all-purpose SPOILER ALERT*** there may be some in this review)
SW SCORE: 14
1 out of 5 🐙
I went into this movie thinking I would not like it. I didn’t read any reviews beforehand and I didn’t know the Metacritic score or Rotten Tomatoes percentage. But I’ve been wrong before and I got one of those major theater chain monthly viewing memberships so it costs very little for me to see a movie when you average out the number of movies I see versus the cost of the subscription. I could name the chain and the program but this site is for fun and I’m not into advertising (as if anyone would pay me to advertise). Anyhow, I hated this movie. I went to see it Saturday night and the theater was packed. I went by myself (which is my favorite way and normal way to see a movie). The person next to me, a stranger, liked the movie very much (at least that’s the impression I got from his constant laughing). I laughed zero times. I found the dialogue to be boring and of terrible quality. I thought the cinematography was a poor man’s version of David Fincher. I thought the colors were dull and the lighting was depressing, even during the happy scenes. I checked out the other productions that the cinematographer had on his resume and I had not heard of a single one. Granted, that’s not a bad thing in and of itself. I’m hardly the most informed about every arthouse or independent production. I just checked because maybe this was just an outlier and the dude was usually awesome. I didn’t hate Seeking a Friend for the End of the World, Lorene Scafaria’s first film (she wrote and directed it just like she did for this film). I didn’t love it either. Again, as with the cinematographer, I wanted to see if this was a particularly bad example of her work. I don’t know what everyone saw in Jennifer Lopez’s acting performance. She didn’t have great lines to work with and I have enjoyed her in previous films, for the record. And on the to the lead: Constance Wu. I enjoyed Crazy Rich Asians. I thought she was fine in it. I tried to watch Fresh Off the Boat. I think I made it through about 15 episodes before I had to stop. That’s impressive because I have and am currently watching some incredibly shitty sitcoms. I actually find most of the cast on Fresh Off the Boat to be perfectly fine; they are no worse or better than any other milquetoast sitcom. But I found Wu’s character to be extraordinarily unlikeable and stupid. Again, she didn’t have much to work with but I’ve seen nothing in her (granted) brief career to inspire my confidence. I also really don’t see how I’m supposed to root for or care about characters who drug and rob people AND THEN are so incompetent that they get caught for it. Was I the only person who hated this movie in the audience last night? The audience seemed to like all the big jokes and major plot beats. But there was also a lot of silence when there, I believe, should have been some sort of audible emotional response from the crowd. I want to say it was an audience that had a 7 (out of 10) level of enthusiasm. But again, I hated this movie so much that I’m probably not the best source. There are some other things I hated about this film but what’s the point? It’s clear how I feel. You should probably consider this an outlier review and go see the movie for yourself. I guess. I don’t know. It’s your time.
(1) Shark Wrighter (SW) Score: Based on a sum of 5 sub-scores (acting, directing, writing/story, effects: cinematography &/or animation &/or effects, editing) with 1 being terrible and 10 being terrific.
(2) Octopuses (0-5 🐙, with 5 being fantastic and 0 being feces)
(3) Octopuses are my unquantifiable feeling…not that SW score is scientific…but this one is even less so
(4) ++ This optional section includes any incredibly *brilliant observations that don’t fit into simple quantitative slices like the scores and octopuses *(they are likely NOT brilliant)