So I’ve done a few movie reviews. And while no one asked for it, here’s my process explained: (I don’t believe in Rotten Tomatoes. I just believe in me):
Review process: two scores assigned:
(***all-purpose SPOILER ALERT*** there may be some in this review)
(1) Shark Wrighter (SW) Score: Based on a sum of 5 sub-scores (acting, directing, writing/story, effects: cinematography &/or animation &/or effects, editing) with 1 being terrible and 10 being terrific.
(2) Octopuses (0-5 🐙, with 5 being fantastic and 0 being feces)
(3) Octopuses are my unquantifiable feeling…not that SW score is scientific…but this one is even less so
(4) ++ This optional section includes any incredibly *brilliant observations that don’t fit into simple quantitative slices like the scores and octopuses *(they are likely NOT brilliant)
Editorial Note: You might wonder how I can give Commando 5 out of 5 octopuses and give the same number of octopuses to The Godfather. Am I saying they are of equal quality? Of course not. But in my opinion, Commando is the perfect cheesy action flick. It does what it is perfectly. It knows itself. The Godfather doesn’t need any genre qualifications, obviously. Just so y’all don’t think I’m crazy. Well, I am crazy. But not for spreading love to the historically unloved. It’s the Brooklyn way.
The Empire Strikes Back
SW score: 49
5 out of 5 octopi
++ content: (Sometimes I add a *sublime* ++note. Sometimes I don’t. If I do, I’m sorry.)