I’ve been thinking of the #metoo movement and the modern 24 Hour news cycle and I’ve been thinking that I’m really fucking grateful that no bored investigative reporter has put me under the microscope. I’m not saying I’ve ever been even a shadow of what Harvey Weinstein was in the workplace. Shit, I have never, hand to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, asked out a coworker or told a lewd joke to a coworker or abused my power (well I’ve never had any of that) at any job.

But if there was an investigation into my general (non-workplace) lack of integrity, they would probably ship me off to a remote island in Micronesia around which they would erect a huge fence so that I could never endanger another person again for the rest of my life. And as America would be punishing me, it wouldn’t bother to check the island for indigenous people before they made it my prison. I would be left with some poor unfortunate indigenous people who never did anything to deserve me. And I would probably end up eating them.

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