I don’t want to be who I am anymore.
Is that possible?
Addicts who are surviving say relapse is always lurking and can never be fully extinguished.
The dark fire is always there.
Tonight I made a terrible mistake.
I’ve made so many mistakes lately.
I’ve made so many mistakes forever.
Are they really mistakes at all?
I didn’t use.
I didn’t have malicious intent.
It felt honest.
Don’t they say that to ease the pain?
As if intent can diminish effect.
I don’t see how I can get out of the ripple effect without using.
I know I’m speaking in vagaries.
I’m not brave enough to clarify.
The dark fire is licking its lips.
The monster within is grinning.
Most of the time I go hand in claw with it, eyes fully open, to my constant doom.
It feels like, with me, maybe there are no mistakes.
Maybe there are no sad accidents.
Maybe there is no monster within.
Maybe there is no dark fire.
Maybe the flames and the claws and me are all just who I am.
I want to change who I am.
I don’t know.