The Thousand Oaks Shooting: A Solution (sarcastic version*)

(*sadly, that clarifying statement is needed)

It’s clear to me that there is only one solution to the liberal induced phenomenon of mass shootings in America. Because of Democratic policies, our economy has underachieved and we are not all wealthy. The mental health strain of not being wealthy has caused severe stress and problems and forced people to take up arms and shoot many people at one time. These shooters are to be pitied, not hated. They are victims of liberal policies that are choking our proud capitalist nation.

All lawmakers at every level of government, who are sane and reasonable, should enact the following solution to the gun violence issue:

1. Every American who can hold and fire a gun (no minimum age) should carry one at all times. The only exception is when showering or bathing but they should keep their firearm within arms reach in case there is a bathroom invasion. For those with difficulties affording a firearm, the government will offer a subsidy, in the style of Obamacare.

2. Every American will be required to wear some form of body armor to protect their vital organs at a minimum and their legs and arms as well if possible. Further, a bulletproof helmet with full cover (think those fully enclosed motorcycle helmets) will be required as well to guard against headshots. Again, as with the firearms requirement, a government subsidy will be provided to those who cannot afford proper body armor.

3. There will be no place, other than military facilities, where private citizens should not be fully armored and with their piece on them.


The specter of mass shootings induced by Democratic policies has to end and this solution will end it.

Further, it will have the effect of boosting the economy as gun and armor manufacturers will need to increase production exponentially and hire many Americans in order to do so. Not to mention the myriad manufacturing opportunities for the fashion industry to satisfy the proud and individual style aesthetic of every properly protected American.

This is a flawless solution that any reasonable person should support.

Please contact your local, state, and federal representatives to voice your support for this plan.

Thank you. God bless you. And God bless America.


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