It sucks when you realize you are not a priority for someone else. It sucks even worse when they are a priority to you.
I’ve realized a friend of mine (well, who knows if they are a friend – who knows what a friend is – who knows what a friend needs to do) has not been putting their money where their mouth is. When you care about a person, you’re inclined to make excuses for them. You’re inclined to cut them some slack.
But at the end of the day when someone has been pledging to do something for you for over half a year and always comes up with an excuse, no matter how legitimate it is (it even doesn’t matter if the excuse is true or not because the truth of the excuse doesn’t change the ultimate result), you have to get in your mental hot air balloon, float above the trees of your denial, and see the forest for what it is: haunted.
It’s not a friendship. It’s a mirage.
Or maybe it isn’t. The problem with people is that they can lie so much that they begin to believe that lie. Maybe it started out as a lie but it has morphed into something much more harmful and effective.
It really doesn’t matter what the other person feels or thinks anyway. But a friendship should lift you up. A friendship should make you happy most of the time. A friendship should not be something that you have to keep evaluating and justifying. A friendship should make you feel good about yourself. A friendship should not make you doubt yourself.
It just makes me sad and angry. Sad because they don’t really care how they claim to care. And angry because I’ve wasted so much time willfully ignoring the screaming voice in my head that this is a waste of my very precious time.
It’s a cliche. But it’s true: actions speak louder than words.
I don’t have an answer or decision on this situation. I’m still figuring out how to handle these kinds of grey social interactions. If you have any suggestions, please send them to me. In the meantime, I’ll get back to you when I get any revelations. Or I’ll at least tell you when I’ve made a decision. Maybe some of you out there going through the same kind of shit and I can help you out with some theoretical advice.