I’m not here to provide an answer to that question. I’m at a loss.
I don’t want to lose the former because of this unholy juxtaposition.
But I have come to a point now where I am literally physically and viscerally repulsed by the very presence of the latter.
I used to pretend.
I used to accommodate.
I used to rationalize.
I used to compromise.
But I can’t anymore.
Decades of hate and disgust and distrust have spilled over the walls where I hold back my most angry and societally unpalatable feelings.
It was literally the flimsiest straw that tipped the balance to the unforgivable.
It’s a question of what’s more powerful: love or hate.
If you were to weigh the evil and the good perpetrated by humanity over the course of its existence, I don’t think you could possibly assert good’s primacy.
I’ve stared into my very human soul and I’ve found it lacking. I’ve glanced over the quality of mankind’s efforts and I’ve found it to be wanting.
I’ve come to believe humanity’s base nature is grounded in hate and evil. I believe it as strongly as I believe in gravity. Civilization, as it were, has been developed to keep humans from openly tearing each other to pieces constantly until it’s wiped from the face of the earth. Of course, war, environmental devastation, and man’s many other vile enterprises are steadily pushing us towards extinction anyway. Even if we don’t eventually consume each other in a bloody purge, I take great comfort in the fact that the sun will burn the earth into a husk and spare alien civilizations from ever encountering us.
And it would be epic hubris for me to claim any superhuman core. After all, I’ve always prided myself on being a man of the people.
That’s what scares me. I don’t want hate to win this round. I don’t want to keep hurting the ones I love. But I just don’t think I can take it anymore.
I just feel sick.
I’ve been hurting myself to protect a monster. I’ve been hurting myself to spare the ones I love.
It feels like every molecule in me is being torn in half by a lifelong battle between self-preservation and self-annihilation.
I don’t know what I’m going to do.
I would like to say I’m going to try and be better than my base nature. But things are so raw right now and so burnt that I can’t see anything but hate and sadness. And love is doing all it can just to keep me from going up and flames and burning down my world.
#love #hate #humanity #good #evil #familyoforigin #family #hellofheaven #heavenofhell #mentalhealth #depression #selfpreservation #selfcare #maybehope #civilization #pretend #platters #greatpretender #thegreatpretender