Preamble: this is a dating advice series from a formerly long suffering comrade in the struggle. I’m out of the game for life but I’m offering up some hard earned wisdom for those still grappling. (See bottom of this post for legend, mission statement, and
I’m not gonna front. I’m a scrub. I’ll holla at a lady from the passenger side of my best friend’s ride. I’m a former member of the 3rd caste and I’ve now settled in as a member of the 4th caste of dating looks. As such, I have to make things happen. I’m not a guy who walks into a room and gets any attention from the ladies or if I do it’s definitely not good. As a run of the mill dude, I couldn’t afford to make mistakes. Mostly because mistakes weigh much more than achievements.
Why? Negative advertising is why. An adage article on the effectiveness of negative ads dispels the common claim people often make when they say negative advertising turns them off from the entity generating the ad. It’s quite the opposite. From the article:
We’re wired to have a bias toward negativity.
Negativity grabs our attention.
Badness is sticky.
Attacks can be fruitful, especially if you’re the challenger.
What the hell does this have to do with dating? As an everyman, my philosophy was always eliminate the reasons for her to say no. Especially in online dating, you are a commodity. You are a product. And you have probably less than one minute to get her to swipe right. The swiping apps have exacerbated this paradigm but online dating started it and social darwinists (aka god diggers) were doing it before any screen were involved with courting.
Let’s take a sample dude’s profile: handsome, 6 figure job, tall, white supremacist.
What sticks out for you? Too extreme? OK, I’ll tone it down.
Another sample: above average looking dude, cool job, lives with is parents.
See what I’m getting at?
You can be a hall of fame coach from a legendary college football program with decades of adoring fans and a huge amount of charity work but do you think anyone is going to remember Jerry Sandusky for that?
I know. I know. Extreme.
Let’s take me for example. When I was dating and employed and not living with my parents, I had eliminated two of the huge reasons to say NO: unemployment and living with mommy and daddy. If I told a woman about my job and she was fascinated by it or at least respected it and then I subsequently told her I lived with my parents, that fascination and/or respect feeling in her brain would be enveloped by the metaphysical equivalent of the face someone makes when they eat something far too tart.
If I told the woman I had a job that was half as cool and that I lived in a modest apartment with a roommate, I would be in a MUCH better position. It wouldn’t matter if the first version of me had a job with double the salary and double the prestige as the second version. Her brain would naturally focus on the living at home part and that’s the thing that would stick. That’s the thing her and her girlfriends would discuss when they got together to decide your fate. I promise you.
Obviously there is no universal formula. Some women have a lot of reasons to say no. Some have hardly any. Some women won’t date you if you have tattoos. Some won’t unless you do. The reasons for No are infinite but they are all more powerful than the reasons for yes. As the product that you are fellas, you need to know your desired customers and find out what negative advertising you might be consciously or even subconsciously projecting.
You can dress how she likes. You can talk how she likes. You can have a job she likes. You can be her physical type. You can do all that but if you happen to talk to your mom everyday on the phone (nothing long, nothing major, just consistent) and she skeeves mama’s boys, you are fucked. Or more accurately, you are not getting fucked.
You can be a beautiful, crystal clear olympic sized pool on a sunny day with the perfect temperature water and this happens:
Eliminating the reasons for her to swipe left is the most effective strategy for us common folk. You can take your accentuate the positive stuff and stick it where the sun don’t shine. The reason we’re around and weren’t eaten by the sabertooth tigers is because our primitive brains put a high priority on negative stimuli. I hate to say this but Yoda was wrong. The dark side is more powerful.
Mankind has given me many names. Among my names is Dr. NoLove, House Foolsrush, Thirteenth of My Name, the Burnt, King of the Unlucks and the Last Men, Khal of the Cul-de-sac, Breaker of Mine Own Heart, Big Baby Deezus, Father of the Rejections, the One True Holy and Apostolic Dating Jesus (the photo below is my cousin Buddy – we have the same chin).
All of these rubrics are meaningless.
I am the state (of dating).
I am the one scrub with many faces.
I am the erring and the untruth and the dullness.
Your finite measures cannot contain me.
I am become dating, the destroyer of love.
The key master is here, in the days after this shell’s darkest hour, to pass on the lessons we have learned after 7,882 days (we have dated 200+ women dated in 22 years) in this latest desert. I have suffered for your dating sins so you do not.
Who am I to comment on dating?
- 22 years of dating (IRL and Online)
- Dating experience on three continents and seven major metropolitan areas
- Early online dating adopter (suffering since 1996)
- I’ve been on a date with 200+ unique, and all wonderful in their own way, women
- Produced a 90,000 word creative writing portfolio devoted to online dating trials and, well, trials
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#dating #datingadvice #aesthetics #twoface #translation #grammar #preposition #prepositionalphrase #courtship #amnesia