Dr. Nolove or: How I Learned to Stop Looking for Love or Anything Like It: Part 15: Cleanliness Is Next To Sexiness

Preamble: this is a dating advice series from a formerly long suffering comrade in the struggle. I’m out of the game for life but I’m offering up some hard earned wisdom for those still grappling. (See bottom of this post for legend, mission statement, and credentials.)

So you have a date. You could go in to it one of three ways: positive, negative, or whatever. There are studies that show positive thinking is the better way to go. Even though I’m a truly negative motherfucker, for some reason I always went into dates slightly positive. Towards the very end, I had switched to m my true nature. After 200+ dates, I challenge you find someone who was positive about dating.

But that doesn’t even matter for this post. Then why the hell did I bring it up? Hold up. I’ll get there.

As a dude I know you’re hoping to get laid. I’m not saying you are looking just to one night stand the chick and never see her again. Maybe you want that and I wouldn’t judge you. But maybe you wanna go for the traditional 3rd date sex schedule. That’s fine, too. Or maybe you wanna go wild and do the 40 Year Old Virgin style and wait like 20 dates. I’m definitely judging you if you go that route. You’re not looking for a new friend. Sex is important and you don’t wanna wait 20 dates to see if you have any chemistry.

But regardless, at some point you want some sexual healing.

And maybe, at some point, you wanna get down on your home turf. You’re gonna lower the drawbridge and let your dance partner into your castle.

As a member of the 4th caste (and a brief member of the 3rd caste – and yes this is a real thing – most people refer to it as “leagues”, you need to prepare. As a common man, you need to make uncommon efforts. You need to give her the least possible reasons to say no.

Look at it from her perspective. Y’all probably met on a dating app so she knows shit about you other than your looks (which of course is the most important factor in getting the initial date to begin with but doesn’t carry you over the top unless you’re a first or second caste guy – see above). She’s never been to your place. She’s heard all the famous horror stories. It’s a leap of faith on her part to come to your crib for the first time. I’m not saying it’s the same sized leap for every lady. Every situation is different. Every lady is different. But you can do some things to help yourself.

Before a date that you think can result in her coming back to your place (read: his is EVERY date – you never know), clean your place. I’m not saying to go OCD and pull out the white gloves to test for dust but get rid of shit like dirty dishes, unfolded laundry, a browser history full of porn, miscellaneous bathroom grossness, and general clutter.

Goddamn that sounds like a lot of work. If your place is shit show yeah it’s going to be a lot of work the first time. Hire people to help or do it for you if you can swing it.

A guy will fuck a woman in the middle of a garbage dump if she allowed it. The reverse is not happening.

This might be the first time y’all have sex. And you know what they say: there’s no second chance to make a first impression.

You want her to come into your place and feel welcomed and at ease. You want her to think “this guy has his shit together.” Having a reasonably organized and clean staging area can bring peace and calm. Feng Shui hasn’t been around for centuries for nothing.

This is actually one of the great things about dating. You might say cleaning up sounds like a pain not a privilege. But once you’re doing it on the regular, it takes less and less time to do it each time. And an organized place calms the mind. Have you ever seen a well adjusted or happy hoarder?

If your surroundings are sensible, you won’t have to worry about being a slob or lazy or potentially embarrassed by your crib. She’ll be more at ease. You won’t be as nervous. That shit is synergy. Two calm people are worth a lot more than the sum of their parts.

Having a pad in good condition will also always help you get your security deposit back, too.

So you’ll have that going for you.


Mankind has given me many names. Among my names is Dr. NoLove, House Foolsrush, Thirteenth of My Name, the Burnt, King of the Unlucks and the Last Men, Khal of the Cul-de-sac, Breaker of Mine Own Heart, Big Baby Deezus, Father of the Rejections, the One True Holy and Apostolic Dating Jesus (the photo below is my cousin Buddy – we have the same chin).

All of these rubrics are meaningless.

I am the state (of dating).

I am the one scrub with many faces.

I am the erring and the untruth and the dullness.

Your finite measures cannot contain me.

I am become dating, the destroyer of love.

Mission Statement:

The key master is here, in the days after this shell’s darkest hour, to pass on the lessons we have learned after 7,882 days (we have dated 200+ women dated in 22 years) in this latest desert. I have suffered for your dating sins so you do not.


Who am I to comment on dating? 

  • 22 years of dating (IRL and Online)
  • Dating experience on three continents and seven major metropolitan areas
  • Early online dating adopter (suffering since 1996)
  • I’ve been on a date with 200+ unique, and all wonderful in their own way, women
  • Produced a 90,000 word creative writing portfolio devoted to online dating trials and, well, trials

#miracle #heterosexual #dating #datingadvice #platonic #loveislove #asexual #starwars #yoda #jesus #drstrangelove #buddyjesus #desert #sacrifice #wisdom #lessonslearned #agot #got #gameofthrones #khal #mentalhealth #depression #anxiety #teachablemoments

#dating #datingadvice #aesthetics #twoface #translation #grammar #preposition #prepositionalphrase #courtship #amnesia

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