I don’t handle confrontation well. I get that a lot of people hate confrontation, too. I’m not special.
I had a road rage confrontation yesterday while driving. I take precautions not to drive aggressively and I actively let people in and exercise all the patience I can. I do this because I’m a weakling and a physical coward and I don’t want to get my ass kicked by an enraged driver. Also I live and drive in Virginia a lot and you can conceal carry in that state and it’s a stand your ground state (in practice). I do not want to die because I upset a small dicked white man (aren’t they the ones always mass murdering and flying into rages). I would much rather be eaten alive by Japanese bunnies but that’s not the point of this post.
Every time I get into a road rage confrontation (I think I’ve had like 5 in my whole life which is pretty good since I hate humanity in general and can’t stand driving. ), I delve into anxiety and paranoia.
I was once hit by a cyclist while I was crossing the sidewalk and I went and bought mace and was afraid to walk around outside because I was sure he had tracked me down and enlisted the help of his fellow asshole cyclists (sorry, that’s redundant) to beat me up severely.
Similarly with this confrontation last night, even though I cursed at the old nebbish loser in a beat up mini van and have no physical fear of him (I had my mace on me), the paranoia part of my post-confrontation process has convinced me that he’s tracked down my license plate and he’s going to enlist some more of his mouth breathing honky brethren, again, to give me a beating.
Man was he pissed. Ha. Looking back at his furious old man gestures makes me laugh. I hope it gave him a heart attack. That’s right, fuck him. He started it over some bullshit and I would love to see the dude suffer severely.
That’s another part of my process: repetitive replay. I imagine what I would have done if I was not a physical coward. I imagine myself beating the crap out of him in several ultraviolent ways. But then I get mad at myself because I didn’t do a damn thing.
The paranoia stays pretty vibrant for a week or so and then it starts to fade. For example I’m not afraid of a cyclist mob attacking me anymore. Even though I know this pain and paranoia will logically pass in a week or so, I can’t convince the anxiety center of my brain to calm the fuck down.
I tell my brain – I say “Brain this is not a good way to utilize anxiety. In all likelihood we are never seeing that prick again so putting me into a paranoid anxiety state doesn’t serve any purpose.
Self awareness has never mitigated my mental heath issues. It’s as if I’m permanently shadowed by an invisible doppelgänger and every time my thoughts delve into darkness and shitty patterns he yells in my ear that this too shall pass. But I’m too busy being terrified to listen.
I’m standing outside myself and I can’t see the light because I’m staring into my darkness.
So my process to handle confrontations is to go into a high state of anxiety for a week or two while peppering that time with looney paranoia and self loathing.
So what the hell is the point of this post? Is it an obvious warning to my fellow anxiety sufferers that my process is not something they should try at home. I’m fairly certain they know it’s completely unhealthy.
I guess I just am venting. When I’m in this state I feel like there’s a building pressure in my soul and it’s swirling around and pumping poisonous thoughts through my mind.
You cannot exorcise anything unless you name it.
Fear relies on your silence.
It is complicity.
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