I sit in the very back row in the very back corner when I go to my twelve step program. Usually that gets me at least one chair between me and any other human beings. I don’t like most human beings. I think most of them are terrible. But I will say that my fellow twelve steppers are some of the least terrible people I know. We’re all Assholes and I respect those who come clean about it.
But I like my little serene corner with my little bit of private space.
But today we have a full house and this guy sat next to me. He was middle aged, unshaven, wearing a grimy t-shirt, cargo shorts, and beat up sneakers. And all of those things wouldn’t bother me really if he wasn’t covered in a shiny veneer of sweat and SMELLED SOMETHING TERRIBLE.
What kind of gross dude goes to a public meeting
…unshaven
Oh.
…unshowered
Oh.
…wearing grubby, dirty clothes
Oh.
…visibly sweating
Oh.
…and reeking of BO
Oh.
I’ve never been a fan of mirrors; the reflective or human kind.
Maybe I like to think I’m better than the rest of my fellow meeting attendees and that’s why I looked down on this fellow. But I don’t believe that at all.
I can’t even talk about my rock bottom because I think they’ll all hate me and scorn me and kick me out of the program. I know logically they’ve probably heard a lot worse. But emotionally I’m so ashamed of my rock bottom that I’ve only told a handful of people about it.
And I’m sure AF not gonna tell y’all.
I guess the point of this random post is that sometimes I forget who I’ve become.
I’m grateful that the universe punched me in the mouth tonight.
I am not above.
I am below.
Who knows where I’ll end up.
Regardless, I should shower tomorrow.
#mentalhealth #twelvestep #addiction #recovery #kindredspirits #selfawareness #grateful #depression #anxiety #selfesteem
