Preamble: this is a dating advice series from a formerly long suffering comrade in the struggle. I’m out of the game for life but I’m offering up some hard earned wisdom for those still grappling. (See bottom of this post for legend, mission statement, and credentials.)
The beginning of the first date. You walk towards each other.
She’s the earth. You’re the moon.
You’re the earth. She’s the moon.
Who is who?
It all depends on who has the greater pull.
Your eyes are locked.
You’re closing in.
“Don’t fire until you see the whites of their eyes!”
You can reach out and touch each other for the very first time.
Maybe the last time.
Choose your own adventure (greeting):
- Awkward wave?
- I’m not making this up. I’ve seen this happen. And sadly, I’ve done it a couple times. The two of you get within handshake reach but you can’t even do that; you just kind of halfheartedly wave.
- Shake hands?
- No. This is terrible. This is how you greet a colleague at a business function. If you do this, you are setting the vibe. And it’s not a vibe you want to set.
- Light hug?
- Not bad. Don’t squeeze too hard or too long. But it’s miles better than shaking hands. You don’t give an affectionate hug to your accountant. But it’s still a bit off. Friends can hug hello. And the bermuda triangle is easier to escape than the friends zone.
- Kiss on the cheek/light shoulder squeeze?
- Bingo. This shows you’re not too chickenshit to get close to her face which is kinda important. But at the same time you still respect boundaries. You plant a light kiss (#metoo “should be obvious” warning: you don’t want to linger!!! and if you feel the slightest bit of resistance for the love of god, stop! Also you can just do the air kiss which is pretty common if you’re too worried) and back up, lightly squeezing the shoulder. It’s good practice for the good night for real kiss at the end of the date, if you two are on the same wavelength.
There you go. Now you know how to make first contact. Don’t say I never gave you anything.
Mankind has given me many names. Among my names is Dr. NoLove, House Foolsrush, Thirteenth of My Name, the Burnt, King of the Unlucks and the Last Men, Khal of the Cul-de-sac, Breaker of Mine Own Heart, Big Baby Deezus, Father of the Rejections, the One True Holy and Apostolic Dating Jesus (the photo below is my cousin Buddy – we have the same chin).
All of these rubrics are meaningless.
I am the state (of dating).
I am the one scrub with many faces.
I am the erring and the untruth and the dullness.
Your finite measures cannot contain me.
I am become dating, the destroyer of love.
The key master is here, in the days after this shell’s darkest hour, to pass on the lessons we have learned after 7,882 days (we have dated 200+ women dated in 22 years) in this latest desert. I have suffered for your dating sins so you do not.
Who am I to comment on dating?
- 22 years of dating (IRL and Online)
- Dating experience on three continents and seven major metropolitan areas
- Early online dating adopter (suffering since 1996)
- I’ve been on a date with 200+ unique, and all wonderful in their own way, women
- Produced a 90,000 word creative writing portfolio devoted to online dating trials and, well, trials
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