Spoiler alert: She is right.
(Let’s go back to the beginning now that I’ve offered up the ending.)
There is friend X and friend Y.
X is male.
Y is female.
They both are local.
This is not the only X.
This is not the only Y.
But they’ll do for this post.
X and Y never ask me to hang out.
I always initiate. I always coordinate.
And then we hang out.
We have fun and laughs.
Well – um – I know I do. Maybe they don’t. If so, they got mad acting chops. Respect.
Let’s just assume they have fun, too.
Just for the sake of this argument.
(And before I start let me state that I’ve even stopped trying to initiate things with them for months at a time and I never heard a word from them during the trial period.)
It’s clear, with these friends and their social brothers and sisters, that I am the starter.
Let’s work through this shit. I sink into my arm chair and put my beer on the end table. Shit. I forgot the coaster. Hold up. Ok. We’re good. I pop open the can, take a swig, and crack my knuckles.
Let’s do this.
I just have one question.
Why am I always the one to start it up?
Is it that we’ve settled into a pattern? I lead. They follow. And we couldn’t do the other.
Is it that everyone is just too busy? In the DMV, people wear their full schedules like a badge of honor.
Is it they have some serious shit going on in their lives and don’t have time or energy or inclination to cater to my needy ass?
Is it that they’re just hoping I go away and stop asking? That I’ve done them harm? That I get the fucking hint?
Is it that I care about them more than they care about me?
Is it that it has nothing to do at all? That I don’t even exist in this social calculus?
The answer to why is like a religious mystery. I’ll never know the answer because I’m never going to ask them the question. I’m not interested in drama or confrontation.
I’m flying blind. So I guess I have to use the force.
If I can’t answer these questions than why am I asking them? I don’t have a good answer. I guess it’s just my bullshit process.
I don’t have one question.
Well, I only have one REAL question.
The past is lost. How do I handle the future?
The way I see it I have three options:
We can already cross off #1. I’m just not going to do that.
Abandon is my wheelhouse. I’ve cut people out of my life many times. I actually enjoy doing it. It’s like there is this prideful parasite wrapped around my heart and it’s so full of righteous anger that it’s oozing it into my nerves, carrying the poison to my brain’s logic centers and shutting them the fuck down. I revel in the cruelty of it. I fantasize that when I ostracize them, they are deeply wounded.
I know the reality is far different. They probably don’t give a fuck.
The obvious downside to the abandon approach is that it effectively ends the friendship. That’s a lot to lose. A friendship that’s been built up over years is invaluable. But I’m such a sensitive, overly emotional bitch that casting that aside seems insignificant compared to whatever offense I feel they have perpetrated against me. Whether or not the offense exists is immaterial.
Abandoning feels right.
Abandoning feels good.
The parasitic demon loves it.
It’s what I’ve always done.
And almost time I’ve done it I’ve regretted it and eventually tried to undo it, with mixed results.
This way has not served me well. I’ve made an endless amount of emotional decisions and they never served me.
This is the only option left. It’s both the most difficult and most easy to execute.
It’s difficult because I have to stuff the pride monster down into a garbage disposal and tear it apart. Have you ever tried to pry an inter dimensional demon out of your heartsoul? It doesn’t come quietly. It’s been growing for decades, feeding on my many neuroses, which seem to flow infinite, to the point that it’s made of vibranium. And mean as hell.
I’ve got one hand on the keyboard and my other hand around the demon’s neck. We have been fighting for weeks over this shit and even when I announce the decision I’m about to announce, that’s not gonna be the final bell. This little fucker is gorilla strong and doesn’t sleep. We might die together.
On the other hand, it’s the easiest because nothing changes. I keep on being the chump who seeks out time with friends who never seek me out.
Yeah. I’m pissed. I’m bitter.
But like my dad loves to say “nothing good is easy.”
This won’t be easy. I’m going to have to ignore the pride monster’s screams even though they’ve reverberating off the inside of my skull and setting my anger on fire.
I keep trying to come up with a pithy one liner that encompasses my regret for my prideful past and determination for my logical future.
But nothing’s coming.
I’m on empty.
There’s no light bulb idea.
There’s not even a spark.
It’s always darkest before the dawn, right?
PS – I know this whole thing seems like a ridiculous thing to think about and overthink about. I just had to talk through it. Am I good? Nope. But we’ll see if I can be.
#friend #friends #friendship #uneven #unbalanced #anger #pride #confusion #regret #mentalhealth #fauxship #elsa #frozen #abandon #confront #forgive #forgiveness #acceptance #forget #letitgo #sadness #sad #hope #persevere #disney