Dr. Nolove or: How I learned to Stop Looking for Love or Anything Like It: Part 8 in an Ongoing Series: Under Pressure

Preamble: this is a dating advice series from a formerly long suffering comrade in the struggle. I’m out of the game for life but I’m offering up some hard earned wisdom for those still grappling. (See bottom of this post for legend, mission statement, and credentials.)

If you talk to most people nowadays, except for those in the upper two castes, you won’t find much love for dating. I’m far from the first person to point out its flaws. But, for the sake of argument, even if you LOVE dating, let’s just say it sucks. Let’s say almost everyone I’ve spoken to says it sucks. Then why do we do it?

Why do we strive for acceptance and contort ourselves to avoid rejection?

PRESSURE.

From the tree level, we strive for acceptance because it gets us physical release and/or intimacy. I don’t think I need to explain that premise.

From the tree level, we stave off rejection because it assaults our self esteem and breaks our hearts. When you love her and she leaves you, even the most confident and well adjusted man will question, if even for a moment, what he did wrong or what is wrong with him? Some men will mull this over for years, never being able to find love again. Some will mull it over for a minute, brush themselves off, and get back out into the world. There’s no shame or glory in either response; the factors that spurred those disparate paths are so engrained that I would not classify it as a choice.

Most of us will never think beyond the trees. But since I’m no longer dating, I’ve got a lot of free time and overthinking has always been one of my strongest skills and consuming interests. So I jumped in my neurotic hot air balloon and floated above the canopy.

As soon as a kid can comprehend language, if not before then, he’s made aware of the following hierarchy (from least valuable to most valuable):

Single with no children and not dating

Single with no children and dating

In a monogamous relationship

Married with no children

Single with children

Monogamous relationship with children

Married with children

The following entities brainwash us from a very early age, and continue to batter us with messaging throughout our lives, that getting married and having kids is the ultimate level:

Parents: if you have parents who are together, your child brain sees that as a valid and valuable model (even if they’re a terrible match). Besides this passive modeling, parents are notorious for pressuring their children to reproduce (and as with sex, reproduction comes with a price).

School: how many school dances are kids bombarded with? How shitty do you think us losers viewed ourselves because we could never go. Sure there are the anti establishment kids who hate on dances but us plain dorks just saw it as another proof of our low social status. Besides the organized events, the kids and teens who occupy the highest rungs of school society are either playing the field happily or paired off with another school nobility.

Religion: go forth and multiply (and create more followers for our giant, authoritarian club based on make believe). If they got you believing there’s an angry old man holding eternal happiness for you in his hands, you’re gonna wanna make him happy by producing some more stormtroopers.

Advertising: there is no end to the amount of ads offering products to help you get a date, keep a date, get a girlfriend, keep a girlfriend, get a wife, keep a wife, etc.

Literature: how many stories, in all the genres, and in literary fiction, focus on affairs of the heart? How many stories and poems focus on love and getting it and losing it and living in it? How many writers wrote to communicate something that they couldn’t convey in person? There’s no shortage of writers who wrote to impress her. Because Again, the proclaimed truth is that you can’t be happy until there are two of you.

Films: as with literature there is no shortage of celluloid (now digital, sadly) devoted to all aspects of love. And the same message is trumpeted: you are happiest when you are no longer single. It takes days to read a book. Movies convey this philosophy in two hours. That adds insanity to the societal marching orders because it somehow makes it seem that finding someone is a quick process.

Television: same as film and literature but it accelerates the unrealistic pace of finding love in movies from 2 hours to 30 minutes.

Music: Same deal as literature, movies, and tv. Except the pace is even more insane. You thought TV was fast? Songs find love in 5 minutes or less.

Art: Same deal as literature, film, tv, and music. Except, unless you include performance art and video art, a painting or a sculpture or other still medium is supposed to encompass love in an instant.

Mental health industry: I’ve been to a lot of psychologists and psychiatrists. Even the most well meaning ones have always used the theoretical girlfriend as a carrot to working on my mental health issues. If you work on x, you will be much more ready to find the right person to be with. Not one single mental health practitioner has ever asked me if I wanted to be single and happy. That “less than” option never occurred to them. And if it did, they sure never told me.

Science: even beloved empirical science pushes the message. You’ve no doubt heard of the studies that show that married men live longer and healthier (both mentally and physically) lives. It’s alway better their way. It’s never enough my way.

With all these forces flooding our minds since we before we can walk, is it any wonder that we put such an incredible premium on being accepted by the theoretical one?

I know all of these societal constructs were developed to promote the survival of our species but seeing as we’re approaching 7 billion people on the planet, maybe all you  couples and your ubiquitous advocates could leave us misfits be?

Legend:

Mankind has given me many names. Among my names is Dr. NoLove, House Foolsrush, Thirteenth of My Name, the Burnt, King of the Unlucks and the Last Men, Khal of the Cul-de-sac, Breaker of Mine Own Heart, Big Baby Deezus, Father of the Rejections, the One True Holy and Apostolic Dating Jesus (the photo below is my cousin Buddy – we have the same chin).

All of these rubrics are meaningless.

I am the state (of dating).

I am the one scrub with many faces.

I am the erring and the untruth and the dullness.

Your finite measures cannot contain me.

I am become dating, the destroyer of love.

Mission Statement:

The key master is here, in the days after this shell’s darkest hour, to pass on the lessons we have learned after 7,882 days (we have dated 200+ women dated in 22 years) in this latest desert. I have suffered for your dating sins so you do not.

Credentials:

Who am I to comment on dating? 

  • 22 years of dating (IRL and Online)
  • Dating experience on three continents and seven major metropolitan areas
  • Early online dating adopter (suffering since 1996)
  • I’ve been on a date with 200+ unique, and all wonderful in their own way, women
  • Produced a 90,000 word creative writing portfolio devoted to online dating trials and, well, trials

#miracle #heterosexual #dating #datingadvice #platonic #loveislove #asexual #starwars #yoda #jesus #drstrangelove #buddyjesus #desert #sacrifice #wisdom #lessonslearned #agot #got #gameofthrones #khal #mentalhealth #depression #anxiety #teachablemoments

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