Dr. Nolove or: How I learned to Stop Looking for Love or Anything Like It: Part 9: The Check

Preamble: this is a dating advice series from a formerly long suffering comrade in the struggle. I’m out of the game for life but I’m offering up some hard earned wisdom for those still grappling. (See bottom of this post for a full biography and mission statement.)

(Note: I will be evaluating a heteronormative dynamic as it’s the only paradigm I have experience with.)

To wit:

The date is over. The check gets placed in between the both of you.

The questions I will answer are the following:

  1. Why does this suck?
  2. What are the options?
  3. What did I do?
  4. What should you fellas do?
  5. What should you ladies do?
  6. Fine print.


Because the entire future (with this lady) could be on the line? I mean, well, maybe. There’s only one dynamic where this really matters. It doesn’t matter if she’s super into you because any faux pas you make will be dismissed as a minor concern. It doesn’t matter if she clearly is not into you because how you handle the check situation is not gonna change her mind either. Where it does come into play is when you are into her and you think she is into you. If you’re both on the fence about each other, the right move with the check could maybe swing you one way or the other.

That’s the tree answer.

From the forest perspective, it’s just a subset of why dating sucks in general. The overarching reason is that far too much importance is placed on it. From the moment we are born, we are bombarded with pressure. The check is just another thing you have to do well or not do too terribly so that you get another date. Because getting another date is the most important thing, according to society.


Grab the check quickly and block any attempt from her to share (unless she really adamantly insists; this is probably a sign she’s not into you)

  1. You do nothing and wait for her to make the next move, of which there are four possibilities:
    • She insists on paying the whole bill: maybe this is different for millenials but this is so rare it’s almost not worth mentioning. But I guess it could happen. If it does, fire up your favorite dating app and get to swiping cuz you won’t see her again.
    • She insists on going Dutch: (see previous) you’re probably not gonna see her again but there’s a slightly better chance. She might still be evaluating you.
      1. So you’re going to split the check. From my experience, it’s not a good sign. But there are two ways it can go: (a) she matter of factly says y’all should split it evenly. This is a chiller response than the upcoming variant and might mean you have a better shot at seeing her again. (b) she wants to go through the check and determine exactly what each of you owe, regardless of how small the difference might be. You aren’t going out again.
    • No movement: Pay the bill. Say “Have a good night,” and walk away. Delete her contact info and get to ghosting. She’s either a gold digger, using you for a free meal, or has very traditional gender roles in mind. I guess if you’re down for being played or like Fred Flintstone style relationships, go for it. Otherwise, run for it.
    • The fake offer: By FAR the most common female response to the orphan check. She probably expects or thinks it’s likely that you’re gonna offer to cover the whole tab. This is a nice lady. And if you wanna insist on treating her, she’ll probably graciously accept. It’s just being nice. That’s all it is and there is nothing expected in return*(well, for decent dudes anyway).

*The implication that if the dude pays,  he is owed x physical favor is base, antiquated, and stupid. That said, be careful ladies. If you get a douche vibe from the guy, don’t let him do it.


I paid 99% of the time. The only time I didn’t was if the woman was a dick to me.


If you asked her out, treat her. Women have it tougher than men for myriad reasons that are beyond the scope of this post. Also, beyond that, it’s just a nice thing to do.

I can hear some reasonable feminist opposition to my position. Why can’t a woman insist on going Dutch and still want to see the guy? I’m not saying she can’t. It’s just after having gone on dates with 200+ women, I have never found this to be the case. If she insists on splitting or, even more dramatically, she insists on paying, the game is over and her grabbing the check is a consolation prize.

And again, it’s just a nice thing to do. Even if you never want to see her again, it’s just nice.

You can still be a dick and ghost her afterwards if you really want to.


Make the fake offer (a good touch is to start reaching for your wallet; it helps sell it). But chill if he repeats the offer to treat.


Go forth my comrades in the struggle! Fear the check no more!

There is one tiny thing. It’s probably best that everyone completely ignore the advice in this post as I am probably one of the least successful daters in the modern era. Seriously, maybe just do the Costanza and do the complete opposite of my recommendation. There’s a reason (well there are many) I stopped dating (besides being on the asexual spectrum) and it isn’t because I was being overwhelmed with interest from women.

I’m also 43 so I probably don’t have a reasonable understanding of millennial dating customs.

Regardless, this column could be useful if you want to try some old school mores. Try my way and the opposite way and record your results. The scientific method is tried and true. And I’m sure the universe will point you in the right direction.

Or if you happen to be a time traveler visiting from the ancient days of pre-app dating culture (circa 2010-2013).





Mankind has given me many names. Among my names is Dr. NoLove, House Foolsrush, Thirteenth of My Name, the Burnt, King of the Unlucks and the Last Men, Khal of the Cul-de-sac, Breaker of Mine Own Heart, Big Baby Deezus, Father of the Rejections, the One True Holy and Apostolic Dating Jesus (the photo below is my cousin Buddy – we have the same chin).

All of these rubrics are meaningless.

I am the state (of dating).

I am the one scrub with many faces.

I am the erring and the untruth and the dullness.

Your finite measures cannot contain me.

I am become dating, the destroyer of love.


Mission Statement:

The key master is here, in the days after this shell’s darkest hour, to pass on the lessons we have learned after 7,882 days (and over 200+ women dated over the course of 22 years) in this latest desert. We have suffered for your dating sins so you don’t have to. Be careful out there for the dating is dark and full of terrors.





#miracle #heterosexual #dating #datingadvice #platonic #loveislove #asexual #starwars #yoda #jesus #drstrangelove #buddyjesus #desert #sacrifice #wisdom #lessonslearned #agot #got #gameofthrones #khal #mentalhealth #depression #anxiety #teachablemoments

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