I used to date. A LOT. But I’m out now. For life. If you wanna know why, click here. But I feel like I owe my fellow dating misfits the benefit of my hard earned wisdom. But more importantly, I just like to talk shit about dating because it makes me laugh.
I’ve dated on 3 continents (North America. South America, Europe) and 4 countries (USA, Brazil, Canada, Scotland). I’ve also commiserated with women and men and with people of multiple sexual orientations about dating. Few topics, besides politics, sex, and religion will really perk up a conversation. The universal assessment is that dating sucks and it’s getting worse. I concur. But you already know that since that sentiment is in my friggin blog post.
The point is I’ve dated internationally gotten dating stories from multiple countries. So I can make the comparison or hypothesis I’m about to make.
In dating, as in life, there is the truth. It’s rarely mentioned in dating, especially early on, as in life. The truth is how you really feel about the person you’re dating. You probably only give the complete raw truth about this to your therapist or BFF. The truth about complex human emotions is never binary and it’s always nuanced and can’t really be represented quantitatively. So that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
Let’s say the scale is 1 to 10 and 1 is you wouldn’t hook up with her even if you were super wasted and horny and 10 is you want to have babies with her and you realize God almighty has sent her to be with you.
(I’m gonna use heteronormative pronouns because I’m a heterosexual and using they each time during this tortured and clumsy treatise would get really confusing. Well, at least I would be confused.)
Let’s say the dude is at a 6. He really thinks she’s hot and chill and he’s pumped to see her again and she gets his juices flowing. He ain’t proposing yet but he actually wants to get to know her better; this isn’t just a hook up.
Let’s the say the lady is at a 3. She thought the first date was a’ight. He was a decent kisser. He smelled good and offered to pay. She’s not sold that he’s commitment material yet but she’d go out with him again.
This is what happens next in the reserved cultures (USA, Scotland, Canada).
Players: Woman and Man
Scene: Both parties are in their respective home, chilling.
Situation: It’s 3 days after the 1st date and they’ve made out some and it was cool.
The curtain rises.
A man sits on his couch, hand Al Bundy style watching TV. With his free hand, he’s looking down at his phone, in particular at a text message chat between him and Woman. This is what he sends:
Man text: sup?
This is how she replies:
Woman text: it’s good, you?
That’s it. There will be some more noncommittal phrases sent back and forth to each other and eventually a halfhearted invitation to hang out again will be proffered by the Man because he is at a higher number and she will pretend to check her schedule, let him stew for 15 minutes or so, and then confirm. At NO point will the 5 reveal he sees her as commitment material and at NO point will the 3 reveal that she sees him as an “I got nothing better to do so why not”.
In the reserved dating battlefield, the opposing forces never reveal their truth to each other. That would be the charge of the light brigade. She’s not gonna tell him he’s on probation because no self respecting dude would go out with her after hearing that. And he sure as fuck won’t tell her that he’s eyeing her for girlfriend material because she’ll bolt.
In reserved dating, you must play it cool (top 2 castes aside). You must walk the tightrope of appearing not interested but also be interesting. Just as it’s easier to defend than attack in a battle, it’s whoever admits genuine interest first that is at the disadvantage in culturally Anglo-Saxon dating ritual.
To come back to numbers, she’s a 2/3 but she acts like a 3/4. He’s a 5/6 but he has to act like he’s a 3/4.
Now to Brazil, home of some of the hottest and chillest and happiest ladies on the globe!
Same deal: 3 days after the first date. The lady is still the 3 and the dude is still at 5. The dude is also still chilling on his couch with his hand crammed down his pants and he’s watching tv (probably soccer instead of baseball like his American compatriot). She’s chilling at home.
Brah is looking down at a text message chat between him and Woman. This is what he sends:
Man text: my love, how is the most beautiful woman in Brazil doing on this gorgeous evening. I can’t believe it has been so many hours since we were together.
This is how she replies:
Woman: my sweet darling, I’ve been waiting for you to reach out and now my heart is so full from joy that I can barely contain it.
That’s it. There will be some more flowery phrases sent back and forth to each other and eventually an overblown invitation to spend a wonderful dramatic evening together. She will accept gushingly. At NO point will the 5 reveal he sees her as commitment material but he’s not ready to marry her yet and at NO point will the 3 reveal that she sees him as a place holder.
To come back to numbers, she’s a 2/3 but she acts like an 8. He’s a 5/6 but he acts like a 9.
Regardless of the cultural style, the truth is never out there.
So how come we’re all hiding the truth? Sorry! That’s a whole other post. All that matters for this rant is that you see no matter you crisscross our blue planet, people are not forthcoming when they’re mired in courtship.
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