Work Life: Part 1 In An Ongoing Series: My #me(not me I swear)poo moment

Today I’m going to talk about the quality of people I work with.

I work at a place that requires its employees to maintain certain production quotas like many places do.

It came to the attention of management that many people were not making their minimum numbers.

So management gathered everyone together and said, basically, “make your numbers or you could be fired.” They also said, “if you aren’t making your numbers we will also be meeting with you individually to see if we can help you or address any concerns you have.”

So management met with those lower achievers.

Don’t worry dear readers: I am King of Numbers (at least in my own mind).

Not even a week after the lower achievers were met with, our HR director gathered us all together and said the following: “Some women are defecating on the floor of the women’s bathroom. These women might think they’re anonymous but have cameras trained on the bathroom door and after the first few feces piles were found, we started marking the time they were discovered then checked the camera footage to see who was entering the bathroom before that time (it’s a single-use bathroom). We know who you are. We don’t think it’s a coincidence that the offenders were all warned about potential dismissal due to poor performance. If it happens again, you will be terminated immediately.”

See, you can’t have women in the workplace! Mike Pence was right all along!

I’m kidding I’m kidding. Chill.

What kind of person thinks shitting on the floor is an appropriate retaliation for a poor work evaluation?

My 7-year-old, even he was only 3, would never and never did defecate on the floor when he was pissed at his mom or me. And I can assure you: we pissed him off A LOT.

I’ll go further. Every dog I’ve owned, after they’ve been housebroken around 6 months of age, has never shit on the floor when they were pissed at me. And even though my dogs got pissed at me a lot less often than my toddler did, they still had their angry moments.

“They were just raised poorly!” Right. I reviewed child abuse cases for the Department of Children and Families in Florida in 2004. I have read what human beings are capable of doing to their own children. I can say with certainty that none of those horrible parents instructed their children that shitting on the floor was an appropriate form of conflict resolution. I’d go further and say that these horrifically abusive parents would mete out severe and highly violent punishment whenever their children pissed them off.

And I want to be emphatic when I say I’m not supporting my character assassination by comparing them to animals. I’m not Republican (yeah, go ahead and tell yourself Trump is in the minority opinion on that matter in his party). Humans are not animals. Animals are far and away better beings. It’s an insult to animals to compare bad human behavior to animal behavior.

And to make it even more amazing is the solidarity. More than 2 women were implicated by the HR director (who did not give out their names sadly).

Do you realize what that means? Here are the incredible possibilities:

(1) 3 women, independent of any knowledge that 2 of their colleagues were expressing their grievances in a similar manner, all decided to carry out their revenge against the management in the same way. Somehow, despite the depths to which humanity is known to plummet, I find that a little hard to believe.

(2) 3 women, after discussing their “unfair” evaluations decided, as a group (imagine the collective brainpower in that meeting), that shitting on the bathroom floor was a good idea.

This was a TEAM effort.

Thanos had the right idea if you ask me.

At the end of the day, I work with terrible people (sorry I’m being redundant) who despite knowing full well the nature of their actions, still chose to take incredibly disgusting measures.

The weird thing (right as if only one thing in this tale was weird) is that I wasn’t even surprised when I heard. As a veteran of the service industry and a lifelong cynic, I have seen some shit (both literally and figuratively). I wasn’t even mad. I was actually just relieved it wasn’t the men’s bathroom.

I hope you’re having a great weekend!

And remember to sit on the toilet, with the seat up, before you evacuate!


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