Dr. Nolove or: How I learned to Stop Looking for Love or Anything Like It or: Part 2 in an Ongoing series: The Non-Platonic Caste System

(Preface: don’t come at me with that beauty is in the eye of the beholder shit. I’m talking about hotness based on the unfair but fairly clear and horrible exacting standards of western society.)

I’d say 5% of the population is hot. That comprises the top-level caste.

(I’m just being real here. To quote Seinfeld, have you been to the DMV? If hot people were common, people wouldn’t fall all over themselves trying to win their favor. So that means 95% of us can’t rely on our looks. That good looking 5% just wins by showing up.)

The 2nd caste is comprised of the following: The portion of the remaining 95% who have one of the following “power-ups”: wealth, fame, confidence, power, game.

The 2nd caste can also be nice, if they so choose. Because, again, they have one or more power-ups.

The 3rd caste (which I occupied for most of my dating life) consists of the dating citizens that don’t have any of the power-ups and are not hot. Colloquially known as “hustlers”, they gotta magic a photo that a woman might not cringe at and then make the short and sweet and funny profile because they only have about 1 minute before the person viewing their profile moves on to the next beggar.

The 4th caste, which I’ve joined in the last few years, is comprised of older, fatter and less personable incarnations of 3rd caste members. Most 3rd caste members eventually transition to this level. It’s just the natural progression of life. I don’t feel ashamed to be here. It just is. Getting mad or sad about inevitability is a waste of time.

The 5th caste is also referred to as the untouchables. They have given up completely on trying to attract anyone and really never had or no longer have anything to attract anyone with anyway. These are the incredibly old with no power-ups or the incredibly ugly (per unfair esteem standards). No one is going to date them. They had better be married or coupled up by this stage or they are going to die alone in the hospice. The 4th caste inevitably ends up here as well. Again, circle (or rather incline plane) of life.

The one bit of good news is that if you make money or confidence or fame or another power-up you can move up to the next caste. But conversely, shit can fall apart and you can be demoted to a lower caste.

As a former friend used to say: “god doesn’t give with both hands.”


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