An Agnostic Asshole On The King James Bible: (Part 1 in an ongoing series)


As an agnostic I really don’t ever think about reading the bible (I’m speaking of the King James bible that many Christian cults use, like Catholicism, for example). I read plenty of it growing up Catholic and being sent to Parochial schools from age 6-18.

But being the contrary asshole that I am, I don’t like to take most peoples’ interpretation or word on important texts. So I decided to read the entire damn bible and give my entirely unsolicited and irreverent analysis of each book.

It’s gonna take a me a long fucking time. The first book (Genesis) has 50 frickin chapters. Even if I reviewed one chapter a week, it would take me years to get through this. But I’m looking at it as a goldmine of rants and blog posts. I’m amped!

I can see how a lot of atheists and agnostics view the bible as an evil document that has contributed to some of the worse atrocities in human history. And they’re right. But I also view the bible as a very uneven (quality wise) prose and poetry anthology hat has had more influence on western society than any other book. So it’s worth an examination especially since it will complement a lot of the novels and poems I read.

There are many versions of the bible but I chose the KJV because that’s what I grew up with and its translation and/or exact language is a relevant source for countless western literary references and those are all usually in ye olde English prose.

The other good thing about using the christian bible is that it encompasses the jewish bible. So I get to knock out the mythological text of two widely adopted and very influential religions.

I’m not sure I’ll ever get to the Quran. I’m not very healthy so there’s a good chance I’ll keel over from my heart exploding due to Type 2 diabetes complications.

I do have some serious obligations so I am ramping up to change how I eat and figure out some kind of exercise I don’t hate. If I didn’t have these vital commitments on Earth, I would contact my alien cousins to come pick me up and take me back to my home planet. Cuz, frankly, humanity sucks and you all are severely fucking up this planet when you’re not busy killing or fucking with each other.

Some logistical notes before I dive into Genesis chapter 1. I’m going to try to cover an entire chapter for each post but sometimes I get lazy or maybe a chapter inspires just so much venom in me that I have to space it out. I’ll probably settle on a format eventually.

Regardless, cross yourselves or sprinkle some holy water in your eyes or pop a vicadin and chase it with a vodka soda double. All those things should put you in the right state of mind to put with my particular brand of bullshit.

To wit:

(bible text will be in quotes and I will advise if it is being paraphrased by inserting ‘(pp)’. As I’ll likely be splitting up passages, a verse will be designated with a lower case ‘v’ then the verse number.)

Genesis Chapter 1

“v1-In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.”

Ok so what was there before the beginning? Whenever I try to think about the beginning of time and infinity, my mind just throws its hands up and says “we are not smart enough for this; abandon ship!” And I listen. But let’s just go ahead and assume god was all by himself. So god also didn’t even have a crib before this? He just sat around in himself since he’s the only thing that exists? Sounds pretty boring.

“v2 the earth was without form, and void;”

So god created a black hole?

“and darkness was upon the face of the deep.”

I have no idea what this means. But it sure is spooky. I like it. Seriously, what is the deep?

“And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.”

Where’s the body of god? Does he even have a body yet? And I thought the earth was a void without form? How does it have bodies of water now? (We’re not even in verse 3 yet) (oh and I’m using the male pronoun even though it hasn’t been stipulated yet but it’s coming). This whole image is quite lovely and poetic too but it sounds like god is a Death Eater from Harry Potter.

v3-v5 (pp) god created the light and he said it was good. But he didn’t say that about the dark void earth (I mean that doesn’t sound good). So darkness WRIT LARGE is maybe different from the dark void that’s the earth? Or are they the same? Is this what people discuss at divinity schools? So god divided the light and darkness and that was the first day. Ok beginning of time; pretty big moment. But I like that’s it’s understated.

v6-v8 (pp) on the 2nd day, so god says he’s gonna build a firmament and then he does it. Who is god saying this to? It’s cool; I talk to myself too. But I guess technically he never said he was alone. So this firmament (yeah I have no fucking idea what that is either) separates the waters above and the waters below and then he calls the firmament heaven. Whoah, homey. Didn’t you already create heaven a couple verses ago? (Yes, verse 1) Oh I looked up firmament. It’s a big solid dome. So god lives in a big solid dome. Got it. But I thought heaven was full of puffy clouds and strippers (well my heaven anyway).

v9-13 on day 3, god created the earth which was under water all that time. I have no idea how the earth can be a formless void and a land mass submerged in water. And then he gave himself props and then he made all kinds of vegetation and gave himself props again.god is very proud of himself, yes he is.

v14-19 on day 4, god created the sun, moon and stars but the odd part is that he made these lights (which he put in heaven) to separate the day from night. Didn’t he already separate them in v3-v5? Were they somehow coexisting at the same time for a couple days? god is hella unorganized.

v20-25 on day 5 god created all the flying animals and water animals but specifically mentioned whales. Why whales? Whales are cool (especially killer whales because they look like adorable sea pandas and narwhals and blue whales) so I guess I can dig it. Anyway god patted himself on the back. Again. On day 5 he made the land animals and again congratulated himself. Again.

That’s good enough for a start. I gotta figure a way to cut this format down because if I go verse by verse I will be 182 years old before I finish. I think I’ll just do the highlights of chapters from now on. Yeah that sounds good.

Side note: I hate Thursday. I have this shitty thing I have to do every Thursday night right after work and i fucking dread it all day. It’s like my day is a wonderful hot tub and some elephant took a massive dump in it. It stresses me out so much I have to take a (prescribed) sedative. But I don’t think it works well because it doesn’t calm me down that much. Oh well. I guess I gotta put my big boy pants on and get on with it.

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