I’m taking a drive into the heart of darkness today: Central Virginia. Once you get about an hour outside DC, shit changes from blue to red real quick. You see a lot more confederate flags and you see a lot more Don’t Tread On Me license plates. They are a libertarian and Tea Party and Conservarive favorite here in the commonwealth of Virginia.
If you’re ever driving through the non-urban regions of Virginia, give the cars with those license plates a wide berth. They will likely be aggressive drivers and I would put the odds of them having the following to extremely high: a conceal carry permit, a below average IQ, a loaded side arm, little patience, and a rarefied combination of entitlement and persecution. Just hide in the right lane and leave them be. ESPECIALLY if you’re a person of color.
But seriously. I am not fucking around. This is a serious warning. And for god’s sake drive carefully and don’t speed. The police in these regions are essentially the same mouth breathing savages except they get to wear state uniforms.
I’m “lucky” that I look like a run of the mill “white dude” so the police and good old boys don’t know to be dicks to me until they find out my name.
So I’m not sure I’ll make it back to northern Virginia tonight. I probably will because I do drive conservatively and I won’t have a drop of alcohol in my system. But just in case a police officer decides that my hands not being placed at the correct position on the steering wheel constitutes a threat to their life and shoots me dead, I’ve decided to put together a living will and/or last will and testament.
I (redacted – see my attorney DG, a friend of a mutual friend of ours, Mr. Ezekiel G. For my identifying details), with social security # (see aforementioned attorney), of legal age, single, employed and resident of Annandale, Va, do hereby swear the following:
1. If I’m medically incapacitated and there’s no brain activity, go ahead and pull the plug.
2. if I’m medically incapacitated and there is a reasonable chance of recovery (please defer to the attending doctor’s opinion), keep me alive and ABSOLUTELY RESUSCITATE! I am happy to stay in that state until technology reaches the point that I can have my consciousness transferred to a deadly robot.
3. Once dead, please harvest my body for all possible organs to help other people who need them.
4. Once harvested, please cremate my body and place the ashes in a recyclable bag.
5. What to do with my corpse: Please wait until the 2nd week of August (throw the bag in a drawer somewhere while you wait) and take the bag (I don’t care who takes it but please let my son know in case he wants to come along; my attorney will coordinate this) to the dunes located at Jockey’s Ridge State Park in the Outer Banks of North Carolina. Once there, head to the absolute nearest beach. I was never a happy child but I do remember being happy for a time at those dunes. You can invite anyone you want to come along with you to watch you scatter the ashes but I have the following conditions I would like observed during the scattering: (1) no one wears any black or any pants – only short and bright colored beach wear allowed (2) there should be music and dancing and singing (3) anyone can say anything they want about me: the more irreverent and inappropriate the better. (4) at the point of scattering, it would be nice if everyone raised a glass of wine (or whatever booze they like – or drugs if that’s your thing) and toast to anything they want. Once the bag is emptied, please let the party end naturally. When it’s over, please throw the bag out in the nearest recycling bin (or regular trash can if that’s not possible).
6. If I have any assets at the time of my death, give them all to my son. If I happen to have had more children after this document was written, go ahead and do an even split of the assets between them.
I’ve been told I should write a will especially since I’m a father. So that’s it. All done.
Hopefully this won’t be my last post.
And for my parting words of unsolicited advice: do whatever the fuck You want to do, dress however the fuck You want to dress, love whoever the fuck You want to love. Do all those things but make sure you always try to be kind. There’s nothing more important.
Party on, dudes!
Excelsior, true believers!
I’ll see y’all on the other side of the rainbow bridge.
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