Romantic Intimacy: A Formula

As a dude who never had a girlfriend…

(seriously the longest I’ve even dated a person is a few months and that was one time. The 2nd longest dating interaction I had was like 5 dates with this woman we refer to as “mean girl” so you can imagine how awesome that was. And after those two, the most dates I’ve had with a particular woman is 3. But the mode is by far 1.)

…I don’t have any experience with romantic intimacy. I have friends who I love and trust completely but we don’t bone and we don’t live together. It’s platonic. I mean some of my friends are definitely hot but I respect and love them far too much to actually try to date them. They don’t deserve that.

So as an outsider this is what I theorize is the formula for romantic intimacy:

Romantic intimacy =

good friendship +

probably some kind of boning

You’ll note I didn’t include kids because I’m talking specifically about romantic intimacy between two people. I also didn’t include shared living expenses because presumably, you can be romantically intimate with someone without splitting the exorbitant rent you pay for living in the cool part of the city.

So the thing is that formula also seems to match the Friends with benefits formula potentially. Sure there must be fuck friends who are just so so friends but I imagine most bang buddies start as good to very good friends who are both horny and lonely one night and had too much booze and said “fuck it” and, well, fucked.

So an FWB sitch can have good friendship AND banging. So how is it different from a couple?

Oh right! The commitment thing. If I’m in a couple and I wanna bounce, there is a good way to do that. The non-Dick move would be to tell the person in a mature way that they gross you out now.

I mean though it would still be a dick move to just ghost your friend you’d been screwing for a minute without giving them some kinda decent notice, right?

Hmm. So both FWB and couples should both try to be cool when they end.

I guess the real difference is the expressed goal for commitment. Obviously, this goal can be bullshit. Or it can be totally sincere. Or somewhere in the middle. But at some point, both of you need to realize or just become a couple. I think. Which means you’re a team now and you have to tell each other where you’re at and respond to each other’s texts in a reasonable amount of time?

I do like people with good text etiquette.

But there must be something more to this expressed desire to be a couple thing. On its face, it’s simply a spoken or written or unspoken deal struck between two people. It isn’t binding. There’s no paperwork. So what’s so awesome about it?

Fuck if I know. I could theorize but it would be about as useful as asking a giraffe to explain rip tides.

I like giraffes. I don’t like riptides.

So as is my wont, I’ve completely gotten lost as to my original point. The question was: What is romantic intimacy?

My answer:

Good-great friendship +

Probably some boning +

A mutual expressed or unexpressed desire for commitment

From all I’ve observed, you do get some cool shit from leveling up to romantic intimacy. I’m not hating on it. For example, you might probably get:

More disposable income

Boning on a semi-regular basis

Someone to be at the hospital with you

Someone you can really be yourself with? (I’d argue that you get that with good friendship, too)

Someone who will most likely text you back

Someone who just assumes y’all are gonna hang out on the weekend

A willing travel partner (if that’s what you both like)

Someone who will dress that wound you got when you tried to prove you were young and split open your ass

Breakfast in bed (sometimes)

A sweet excuse to get out of social situations (“Oh yeah dude I gotta bolt. My old lady’s on my ass.”)

Someone who will watch movies with you and not care if peeps think that’s a “lame” date

So there’s good stuff you get from romantic intimacy. I’m not sure I nailed the definition. I’m basically a space explorer studying a black hole and making a shit ton of assumptions about completely unknown stuff.

If there are any people who have experienced romantic intimacy out there and are actually reading this post and wanna tell me if I’m anywhere close to what the deal is, or if they wanna just say I’m full of shit, please holla!


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