If you’ve got mental health challenges like me, I’m sure you’re familiar with the following phenomenon (well, honestly you don’t need mental health challenges to be familiar with this; it’s probably pretty universal):
You are thinking about doing X. A little voice in your head says “Don’t do that. Seriously. Don’t do that.” Another voice says “Go for it. It will be fine!”
(Guess which one I usually listen to?)
And then you start doing X and you realize that the first voice was right. And another voice (the one that listened to the first voice) starts screaming: “DON’T DO X. STOP DOING X. FOR FUCK’S SAKE, STOP DOING X.” But your impressionable you is fully committed to following the terrible advice.
You are literally standing outside yourself knowing that you are doing the wrong thing and you still do it.
Yeah that all seems really convoluted to me but I’m having a shitty day and just waiting for the valium to kick in.
So I’ve realized I am and always have been engaged in civil war with myself.
(Man, I know I’m self-indulgent but this post might take the cake!)
The relevant parties in struggle for my soul:
Physical Me: the fat, bald, comic book t-shirt wearing fuck up with a heart of cube zirconia. Ostensibly, this Me approves and executes all decisions made by the committee.
Protector Me: does not have a physical form. He is a low talker. He is not charming. He is not convincing. He is the ostracized, unappreciated, usually ignored committee member.
Bully Me: also does not have a physical form. He is eloquent, charming, convincing, has six pack abs, stands 9 feet tall, has a voice like Frank Sinatra combined with James Earl Jones. Is incredibly, undeniably and completely stupid. He is the chairman of the committee.
Flying Me: also does not have a physical form. Not a physically imposing character. But does have a silky voice and knows how to distill an issue quickly and in a way that speaks to each of the committee members’ personal heart strings. He always has the same advice for any problem: Run. Run as fast as you can. Anything you do here will be wrong and disastrous. Run. Save yourself. He is the 2nd most influential member on the committee.
Medicating Me: also does not have a physical form. Usually caucuses with Flying Me. Is 100% lazy. Would shit and piss in the bed if the rest of the committee members would let him implement the garbage bag solution. Has a very limited vocabulary but speaks one of the following phrases 99% of the time: (1) Let’s get high (2) Let’s fuck (3) Let’s eat that; it’s delicious (4) Let’s pop that (5) Let’s vape that (6) Let’s buy that; we don’t need it. MM has an encyclopedic knowledge of recreational drugs and opiates. Doesn’t love shrooms or coke and is afraid of smack. Wins as many debates as Bully Me except is too lazy to run for the chairmanship.
Jerking Me: also does not have a physical form. Is the 3rd brother of the Kennedy-esque political clan that holds three of the committee seats (his brothers are Flying Me and Medicating Me). He is soft spoken. He can actually only speak 7 words. His 7 word motion passes virtually every night, making him by far the most efficient member of The politburo: Let’s jerk off and go to bed.
This is the village that it takes to run my mental health landscape.
We never get anything done. Well, we never get anything done well.
#mentalhealth #conflict #poordecisions #gooddecisions #insanedecisions #mistakes #regrets #depression #420friendly #recreationaldrugs #selfmedicate #carbs #junkfood #drugsaremyfriends #prescriptions #prescriptiononly #proletariat #committee #compromise #fight #flight #fightorflight #masturbation