My Best Friend’s Wedding (analysis and recap)

My buddy got married yesterday.  I was and am under the weather.  That sucks. The wedding did not.
It was pretty weird since I was sober the entire time I was there. Not even a drop of champagne. I was fighting off a cold and I figured since ALCOHOL IS A TOXIN (and one of my best friends), I should teetotal.
But I guess I had my own kind of alcohol flowing through my fingers as I typed.  The internet and apps and even text messages are the equivalent of digital alcohol. People spout shit they would never spout IRL when they’re hiding behind their computer’s monitor, or more likely, their smartphone’s screen.
I did restrain myself from any negative tweets during my buddy’s wedding because I didn’t want to bring any of that kind of energy to yesterday. But in general I was surprised how immature and dumb and inappropriate I was without any booze (or drugs!).  It was kind I eye-opening! I can still be a fat asshole when I’m at 0.0 B.A.C.
That’s pretty cool.
And thank Odin that I wasn’t drinking. Who knows what kind of terrible shit I would have ventured if I was intoxicated.
So I know most of my readers (all 5 of you) don’t really keep up with twitter so I’m gonna paste all my wedding observation tweets below and I’m even going to resist correcting my grammar and spelling mistakes. And that’s a big fucking ask for me!
Anyhow, here’s how I spent half of my Saturday, April 21st, 2018 (location: the St. Regis in our nation’s Capitol).
To wit:

To quote Mindy Kaling’s character in The Mindy Project: “best friend is not a person. It’s a tier.” My buddy AT is on that tier. Shit, we’ve known each other since we both had hair! I’m gonna tweet my germane and ludicrous observations of his momentous day. #weddings #love

4:02 PM – 21 Apr 2018

I’m definitely in the top 5 most ugly people at this wedding. This is one damn good looking crowd! #weddingday #pretty

4:02 PM – 21 Apr 2018

There’s a lady here with long, purple hair. Sigh, I miss hair. If only there was some friendly wizard who could restore my hair. I’d take any color! #baldisbeautiful #WeddingVibes

4:02 PM – 21 Apr 2018

Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster for low cut dresses and the magnificent women who wear them! #Fashion #weddingceremony

4:02 PM – 21 Apr 2018

The lady who sang If I Should Fall Behind by Bruce Springsteen has one helluva set of pipes! And totally unrelated but because I’m immature: she’s hot, too.#brucespringsteen #weddingdays

4:02 PM – 21 Apr 2018

It’s a gorgeous 64-degree sunny day in the district. The Flying Spaghetti Monster has truly blessed this Union with perfect weather. #spring #weddingdetails

4:02 PM – 21 Apr 2018

I can’t resist. Because I’m dumb and inappropriate. Besides doing an excellent and professional job, the officiate is also super cute. #weddingceremony #pretty

4:02 PM – 21 Apr 2018

A bunch of loud ass fire trucks passed by and temporarily stopped the ceremony. Now it’s a real DC wedding! #siren #married

4:02 PM – 21 Apr 2018

The @StRegisDC is hella impressive! The bride and groom are BALLERS! #Ball #MarriedLife

4:02 PM – 21 Apr 2018

Excellent walk out music: @JourneyOfficial ‘s Don’t Stop Believin’ played by a string quartet. #Jersey #weddinginspiration

4:02 PM – 21 Apr 2018

I’ve never done a wedding sober before. Don’t worry I’m not a quitter. I got my lame reasons. Jesus Christ I’m going to have to rely on my unmedicated personality. #dry #reception

4:02 PM – 21 Apr 2018

I just had some kinda caviar puff thing. It was tasty. I hope it’s magic and turns me into a river god-like in #ShapeOfWater. Is that how it works, @RealGDT ? Or will they all hatch and eat me alive from the inside? #appetizer #weddings

4:02 PM – 21 Apr 2018

I need to add the pass by to my rejection thesis. It’s a deft and dexterous move. Smile, tap elbow, never stop walking and spout some pleasantry. Masterfully done! #WeddingVibes #skills

4:02 PM – 21 Apr 2018

I’m not sure what’s more fun. Looking at cleavage or gossiping like ass hats with a male friend while we look at the same cleavage. #breastisbest #WeddingVibes

4:04 PM – 21 Apr 2018

This chair is a mystery to me. It doesn’t look comfortable but it is very much so. Here I always thought the olde time kings and queens chose this style for aesthetic reasons only. @StRegisDC : well done!

4:29 PM – 21 Apr 2018

This one lovely lady is wearing a full length over the shoulder dress covered entirely in gold sequins. She is pulling it off spectacularly. I love the confidence! #DressToImpress #ReceptionPerception

4:34 PM – 21 Apr 2018

The lighting for the dinner reception is this spacy purple. I don’t know what to make of it. I’m pleasantly intrigued. The room, @stregisdc, is on point classy. #fancy #wedding

4:34 PM – 21 Apr 2018

I don’t know what boobs are made of. I think it’s fat and maybe milk-making contraptions? Maybe some glands and ducts? But I sure do love it when ladies push them together and set them on display. My moobs aren’t big enough for that yet. I’m jealous. #breastobsessed #party

4:34 PM – 21 Apr 2018

I don’t know why there is some sort of #sheep on my seat place holder card thing. That happened ONE time and I was very drunk. #weddingdays

4:35 PM – 21 Apr 2018

What always stands out for a ravenous bougie fatass like me is when a dining establishment has soft butter with the bread. Hard cold butter is fucking infuriating. Kudos, @StRegisDC ! #butter #weddinghour

4:59 PM – 21 Apr 2018

The salad and the dressing was right and it had asparagus in it which I love not just for the flavor but I love it when my pee smells weird! #biology #wedding

5:37 PM – 21 Apr 2018

There was this real #classy touch when they called us in from the cocktail hour to the main dinner. Some dapper dressed dude came out and played a subtle chain. No yelling or barking. Real smooth. It’s the little things.#wedding kudos @StRegisDC !

5:46 PM – 21 Apr 2018

So I asked for a #CocaCola and the waiter brought me a Diet Coke. I can taste the difference being an experienced fat fuck. I know I’m fat but in the last few years I have left on Earth I just want to numb my receptors with high fructose corn syrup! Isn’t that freedom? #wedding

5:49 PM – 21 Apr 2018

The waiter just totally ignored me when I asked for a coke. Good for him. I should be drinking the fine #wine like everybody else and stop being such a wimpy baby. Good for you Mr. Waiter, sir. You are a champion! #wedding

5:53 PM – 21 Apr 2018

I’m belaboring this theme but it’s not just cleavage that’s awesome. It’s also size. Size does matter. When it comes to boobs. But only really from an aesthetic observational angle. When it comes down to it, all sizes rock. I swear I’m not drinking. I’m just dumb.  

The chandeliers are opulent AF up in here. But still classy and #elegant. It’s like the one that gets blown to bits in the original #ghostbusters. I wanna take #slimer home and get drunk and high with him and have a shove as many hot dogs in our mouths contest with him. #wedding

6:09 PM – 21 Apr 2018

5 #StarWars cosplay characters just walked into the reception while the wedding band played the Imperial March. I take umbrage at Kylo Ren being present with Darth Vader but I appreciate the spirit. Oh boy. I’m never getting laid again. #weddingday

6:14 PM – 21 Apr 2018

There’s something going on with the #StarWars characters and several lightsabers but that’s like 25 feet way so it’s too far to walk. I’ll never know what it was like when my dog ran away for 3 hours and came back. I’ll never know what he got up to. #wedding

6:19 PM – 21 Apr 2018

The  floor is full. That speaks highly of the guests. The DJ stats with Chuck Brown & The Soul Searchers’ Bustin’ Loose. Good starter. You’d think it would be a logical first dance song but it’s grossly underrepresented in .

2nd song is @Pharrell ‘s #Happy. Can’t hate on that choice. Only a dick wouldn’t like that song. #wedding A jazzy wedding band take on it was pretty sweet.

6:28 PM – 21 Apr 2018

#4: Mark Ronson’s Uptown Funk. I’m not personally a fan but it is a strong  song. 

#5:  Man by Sam and Dave. Incredibly awkward and racist 80’s comedy. But a Motown gem and dance generator. 

Ain’t No Mountain High Enough by Marvin Gaye (#DC BORN! I think) and Tammi Terrell. We’re in a #Motown block and that’s very nice. #wedding

6:41 PM – 21 Apr 2018

7 is Ain’t too proud to beg by the Temptations followed by My Girl and now I’m bored with chronicling each song so I’m gonna stop and only comment when I have something extra stupid to say. The movie My Girl sucked. The song doesn’t.  

What did I do to get cursed with  on my buddy’s  day? I mean I’m sure I did something shitty. I’m just curious what in particular. I want to nap under the table. Jesus and I’ve had like 10 cokes. My heart is probably going to explode.

We’re in the more modern  section of the band’s set. I have a lot of these songs on playlists at home but man this cold has knocked the shit out of me. I really do want to shake it like a Polaroid picture. But I’m just too wiped. 

An  moment. The only time  make me sad is when there is a slow dance song. Suffice it to say, that ain’t in the cards for me and that’s ok. But it sure seems nice. I’m a pretty good dancer. I can move my fat body around like an agile tabby. 

Whitney Houston is always a spectacular dance song choice. I just wish she had not chosen to dance with Bobby Brown. Oh, I realize I’ve been saying DJ but it’s a band. I’m just too lazy to go back and change the tweets.  

It’s time for me to try and get a selfie with the groom and get out of here. My  old fat ass needs to fall into bed and dream of loose women with low standards. Goodnight and good luck! 

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