Dating Perfects

These are my dating perfects. Everyone’s perfects are their own. Never apologize for yours. They are from my perspective. They range from the sweet to the prurient. They are FIRST TIME deals only. They are ALWAYS great but there will never be another moment than the first time you hike over the ridge and see the glorious valley, sun-kissed, expanded before you. They are moments that if time froze at that instance, your mind and soul and libido (and its associated emissaries) would all be filled with pure joy and all your troubles would be mute and the thundering sound of happiness would ring through you.

Here is a pretty complete list of the dating perfects I have experienced. I say pretty complete because I drink and get high so sometimes I forget shit.

So without further ado, Lafia and gentlemen of the jury, I present an Ode to a Lifelong Bachelor’s Perfection (by S. Wrighter):

she says yes to plans,

she belly laughs at your joke,

she says “sure I’ll have another round”

she asks you an eager question about something you just said

she smiles at one of your answers to a question of her’s

she excitedly says “we should totally do X” alluding to a possible 2nd date

she makes the move for her wallet when the check comes

she says thank you when you insist on paying

she’s looking at you straight in the eyes when she could be hailing a cab

you stare right back, player

you kiss the first time and she CAN kiss well and she DEFINITELY kisses you back,

the making out starts,

she says you should come up,

you don’t hesitate,

the first time she lets you touch her boob – Over the clothes,

the first time she lets you grab her ass – over the clothes,

when her shirt comes off – either she lets you do the honors or she’s so pumped that she just whips it off herself,

when you’re talking too long to take your shirt off and she yanks it off you,

the bra comes off – many variations – one love,


you get to check out her boobs (don’t linger, there will be time for that later and you got work to do), you touch the boobs,

she moans,

y’all’s pants come off – again many flavors but one love,

y’all’s underpants come off – again – you know,

her hands and your special place,

your hands and her special place,


bodies come together – sweat and heat and breath and hands and parts mix and match,

you’re both ready for the big time,

you enter – and feel that god-given evolution made the inestimable unparalleled sensation that you and even a caveman could dap over while sharing a beer in a cosmic cafe where time has no rights,

the part where you do you and she does she and you head to where you both want to be – every twist and turn is novel – every smell and sound is fresh – it’s all new and it will never be like this again- this isn’t to say it’s the best – far from it – it’s just new,

you both finish (well, hopefully) – you know – le petit mort,

you collapse into the bed and exhale – you’ve done what is less and less common nowadays – had sex with a real person in real life – that’s how society is trending and that’s sadly no joke,


she says you should sleepover,

you accept,

you sleep together for the first time,

you wake up together and you don’t feel the need to sneak out,

SHE asks if you wanna get breakfast,

you say sure,

she smiles

That’s as far as I’ve gotten with regards to dating perfects. The breakfasts are usually underwhelming and I probably won’t see her again or if we do go out again, it feels more obligatory than fun.

I get that I’m fucked up in the head because this is how my mind generally works after a first date. I get that I’m fucked up. But that doesn’t really invalidate or affect my claim that I’ve only experienced the aforementioned perfects.

Do I have more, new perfects in store for me?

I have no idea.

I’ll keep you posted.

Leave a Reply