Numbers Don’t Lie But Love Beats Math (always)

I rated the Star Wars movies a while back and I wanted to mini review them to see if my original rankings held up. Here’s the original rank (WORST to best):

Episode 2

Episode 1

Episode 3

Episode 7

Episode 8

Rogue One

Episode 6

Episode 4

Episode 5

Here are the individual breakdowns in my brand new Shark Wrighter Score (based on 1-10 rankings of 5 key components in a movie):

(Excuse the Twitter detritus; I’m too lazy to clean that up right now)

A New Hope: 6 acting,10 story,7 directing,10 special effects,9 editing. SW SCORE: 42. Special: started it all!R2 sad noise-when C3PO says he doesn’t like him.Lightsabers.Vader.Whiny Luke.Sand Peeps.Alec Guinness & Kenobi’s sacrifice. 5 (out of 5) octopuses.#StarWars #MovieReview


Empire Strikes Back: 9 acting,10 story,10 directing,10 special effects,10 editing. SW SCORE: 49.Special: best sequel ever. Best Star Wars movie ever. Boba Fett.Luke’s daddy issues & their first fight. Biily Dee Williams.Yoda.Minor incest kiss.At-Ats.Hoth Yeti. 5 (out of 5) octopuses.#StarWars #MovieReview


Return of the Jedi: 8 acting,7 story,8 directing,10 special effects,8 editing. SW SCORE: 41. Special: Luke’s debut as a Jedi.Yoda’s death.Boba’s lame death.Darth’s redemption.imperial guards.emperor.ewoks. YES EWOKS.Jabba.That bikini. 5 (out of 5) octopuses.#StarWars #MovieReview


Phantom Menace: 0 acting,1 story,0 directing,2 special effects,2editing. SW SCORE: 5.Special: Jar Jar. Betraying all the fans. Midichlorians. Worst prequel ever.racist character accents.Jar Jar.decades long wait for this? F*ck Lucas. 0(out of 5) octopuses.#StarWars #MovieReview


Attack of the Clones: 0 acting, 0 story,0 directing,2 special effects,2 editing. SW SCORE: 4. Special: The sheer amount of lame: Jango Fett.political votes playing a key role in a sci-fi/fantasy pic.that horrible romance. F*ck Lucas. 0(out of 5) octopuses.#StarWars #MovieReview


Revenge of the Sith: 0 acting, 1 story,0 directing,2 special effects,2 editing. SW SCORE: 5: Special: The sheer amount of more lame: Grievous.Dooku.Terrible end duel.kashyyyk deserved better.padme death.worst trilogy ever. F*ck Lucas. 0(out of 5) octopuses.#StarWars #MovieReview


Force Awakens: 8 acting,4 story, 7 directing,9 special effects,7 editing. SW SCORE: 35. Haters: eat me.This was a HUGE RELIEF after the prequels.The story was a rehash but great new leads to shepherd the franchise.I LOVED emo Kylo. 3.5 (out of 5) octopuses.#StarWars #MovieReview


Rogue One: 9 acting,9 story,9 directing,9 special effects,9 editing.SW SCORE: 45.If this is how good stand alone Star Wars universe movies can be then I am out of my mind waiting for Solo.gripping.joyous.poignant.contained.bravura! 5 (out of 5) octopuses.#StarWars #MovieReview


Last Jedi: 8 acting,6 story,9 directing,7 special effects,7 editing.SW SCORE: 37. 46% of fans hated it. Most critics raved. I’m in the middle.good: Luke’s sacrifice,Rey-Kylo telepathy scenes.Yoda. Bad: casino plot.snoke/kylo/Rey scene.5 (out of 5) octopuses.#StarWars #MovieReview


So according to Shark Wrighter score, the worst to best Star Wars universe movies are:

Episode 2 (4)

Episode 1 (5)

Episode 3 (5)

Episode 7 (35)

Episode 8 (37)

Episode 6 (41)

Episode 4 (42)

Rogue One (45)

Episode 5 (49)

My heart really wanted the original trilogy to occupy the three top spots. But I cannot deny the brilliance of Rogue One. And I am ok with the uneven but still entertaining and satisfying Last Jedi.

But in the end, in the galaxies where numbers do not dwell, the first trilogy will never be supplanted in my soul. No movie (not even my favorite Pulp Fiction) will never bring me as much joy as the original trilogy did.

Because I’ll never be a kid again and kids experience happiness on a level that adults have forgotten how to reach. There is joy in adulthood of course but it’s been diluted by experience and time. My early 80’s joy was perfect, in every single way, undiminished and brighter than Tatooine’s two suns.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s