A Quiet Place: My Loud Ass Take (SPOILERS ALERT!!!)

SLIGHT SPOILER: A Quiet Place is a movie that is about a future where some kind of monsters hunt by sound only so all the humans on earth have to keep completely quiet and use sign language. That’s all in the preview, btw.

It’s weird. I was getting a coffee because I had some time to kill before seeing it and the coffee shop had one of those loyalty programs where you get a punch card and if you buy ten coffee drinks, you get the 11th free. But each punch was depicted by a drawing of a hand making the sign language sign(?) for a number between 1 and 10. I guess the universe wanted me to see this movie.

Sometimes the universe can be a real dick.

I hate horror movies. I hate the real reason I’m seeing this movie. I can’t fully go into it because it’s too fucking embarrassing but I’ll just say that it’s a completely asinine decision.

And then there’s the fact that I hate horror movies.

I’ll try to do my normal 5 memorable quotes and 5 memorable non-quotes from this flick and my overall assessment but I’m frankly in a shitty ass mood so I’m not sure I’m gonna get there. (EDIT: this movie has like 8 minutes of dialogue so I’m gonna load up on non-quote things for the most part)

Oh. Besides the real reason I’m seeing this movie, I also thought the main conceit was beautiful and simple and the reviews have been good and it’s getting a lot buzz. I try to catch all the ones with buzz. For my own edification.

Here goes nuthin.

ALERT : SPOILERS

NON-QUOTE (AND ONE QUOTE) MEMORABLE THINGS:

I think it’s very cool that they never explained what the monsters were. Were they aliens? Were they lab creations gone wrong? Were they the true form of Republicans once they peel off their skin and try to eat all of us?

Sci fi and horror exposition can be very entertaining, even if most actors claim to hate it. But it’s not necessary. All we need to know, and we’re made to know this almost immediately, is that there are horrible creatures out there and they laid waste to Earth and you better shut the fuck up or they’re going to kill you.

Movie is all set up! In a tight little bow.

Emily Blunt afraid to even let pills shifting in plastic bottle make noise.

Good tension with little boy running around shop almost stepping on leaves.

Despite sheer insanity of it, older sister lets little brother take a toy that will make noise. I liked this because it felt like a true representation of sibling love and kid stupidly.

AWESOME: little kid who uses the toy that makes noise gets eaten by a monster. After the little shit started the toy, I decided to root for the monsters.

(Did the director really kill off a little kid in the first 15 minutes? Or was he just kidnapped? If the former, this director is awesome. If latter, it thoroughly diminishes the scene. We’ll see.) (EDIT: He’s awesome. How could he not be? Emily Blunt married him!!!)

Emily Blunt is my true north but her with blonde hair is off putting. She was perfect as a brunette. Why mess with perfection? Well if Emily thought it was a good idea then it must be. Who am I to question her?

This daughter character is the worst. First she gets her little brother killed and then she tips over the lantern and it makes a crashing noise. And then she wants to go to the basement even though she’s told it’s too dangerous and then she decides to run away. Jesus fucking Christ. Monsters please eat her ASAP.

I HATE IT WHEN SHIT JUMPS OUT I HATE IT WHEN SHIT JUMPS OUT I HATE IT WHEN SHIT JUMPS OUT I HATE IT WHEN SHIT JUMPS OUT I HATE IT WHEN SHIT JUMPS OUT

WHY AM I HERE?! WHY AM I HERE? WHY AM I HERE? WHY AM I HERE? WHY AM I HERE?

Very sweet funny moment when Emily Blunt is trying to communicate she is unhappy about her weight gain due to pregnancy to her husband and because she cannot speak, she just puffs her cheeks out to “voice” her opinion. Lovely.

I thought the monsters were bug like things but apparently they can also blow up stuff. Interesting. (EDIT: ok they can’t blow stuff up but it sure looked like that raccoon got blown up. And how are there any sound making animals left on Earth if these super hearing monsters are around and seemingly always hungry since they never stop hunting)

Why the hell would this couple get pregnant again in this fucked up hellscape earth? I KNOW YOU CAN DO ANYTHING EMILY BLUNT BUT THIS IS TOO DANGEROUS!

I saw that nail accident coming a mile away but it was still sufficiently horrifying and terrible.

THIS IS THE LAST HORROR MOVIE I AM EVER GOING TO SEE. WHY DO PEOPLE SEE HORROR MOVIES? HOW IS THIS FUN!? I HATE ADRENALINE!

Cool that they painted the floor boards to show which ones don’t creak

(

Quote: (signed)

Dad: there’s nothing to be scared of.

Son: Of course there is!

)

And they make her have a miscarriage, too? This director is mean. BUT EMILY BLUNT CAN TAKE IT YOU FUCKERS! BRING IT ON!

PERSONAL NOTE: I still don’t know what the monsters look like because I’ve had my eyes closed every time they’re on screen.

Miscarriage fake out – smart move. The tender but still passionate kiss they share when the husband discovers her wife with their newborn is a very sincere moment.

The sacrifice was noble. And pretty heartbreaking. But I am a softie. But I’m still not sure it was necessary.

Why do creatures, whose subsistence relies on their superior hearing, get disabled by certain frequencies? Shouldn’t they be able to handle all sound?

The very ending was BADASS. Seeing my perfect Goddess Emily Blunt cock a shotgun in preparation to blow away some serious monster ass was way cool.

EMILY BLUNT IS A PERFECT UNICORN!

SUMMARY:

This movie just confirms something I’ve always felt, even since I was one: kids are the worst.

A bravura horror directing debut by John Krasinski, the luckiest man on earth. He obviously casted his perfect wife, Emily Blunt but they both acquitted themselves very well acting-wise. The kid actors were good, too, but whatever.

I guess it’s good that the last horror movie I will ever see was an excellent one. I am absolutely fucking done with horror. If I want to be stressed out for two hours and never want to experience that situation again, I’ll just go back to dating.

As a horror movie: 5 out of 5 octopuses.

As a movie in general: 4 out of 5 octopuses.

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