I’ve been stressed out lately.
As the two of you who read my blog regularly know, I’m pathologically terrible with money. I’m even in a 12 step program for it and I am doing a really shitty job of following the steps.
(if this blog post was a movie scene this is where I would jump cut to a time-lapse video of me spending 8 hours and 2 months rent in my favorite strip club until I wander out the door as the sun is rising, Varsity Blues style, and that’s when I would slow the time-lapse to normal speed and show myself looking at my bank balance – via zoom in close up of my bank app on my phone – and subsequently vomiting on my shoes from anger and sadness at the disaster I have wreaked on myself … yet again)
(I wish I could say that scenario was exaggerated for comic effect. I’ve literally done that 4 times.)
I’ve been spending money like crazy, even for me, lately. I spend more when I’m more stressed out. It’s classic self-medication that is common to addicts like me. It’s literally Fat Bastard’s famous line:
“I eat because I’m unhappy, and I’m unhappy because I eat. It’s a vicious cycle. Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s someone I need to get in touch with and forgive: myself,”
It’s not awesome when the essence of your addiction is perfectly summed up by an Austin Powers character.
For Mr. Bastard, it was food. For me, it’s money. While there are addictions (narcotics, hard drugs) that have a significant biological component with physical side effects, the especially lame addictions like mine are purely psychological and soulful.
For the heroin addict and for the compulsive spender, addiction shares one true mother: there is a hole in their soul and they are trying to fill it with something. For junkies, it’s smack. For pathetic dorks like me, it’s Amazon.com shopping sprees and buying overpriced shots for strippers.
2 weeks ago I found out my temp gig is ending very soon.
Here’s the good news: I have been doing a pretty decent job of sending networking overtures and looking for jobs but I need to work harder.
Here’s the bad news:
(Here’s what a sane person would do if they had 5000.00 [five thousand] dollars to their name and their only source of income was ending soon and they didn’t have something lined up yet.
They would probably slow down discretionary spending [fun times money] and redouble their job search efforts [they’d crank it up from a 4 to an 8].)
Here’s what I did:
I kept my job search effort at a 4. And I did the following with my 5K balance: I spent all but 115.00 dollars of it on Amazon app purchases, strip club drinking and tipping, eating meals out, watching a bunch of movies in the theater, buying and drinking a lot of alcohol, opening two new credit cards to facilitate more spending because I had run out of money, and (one of my all-time classic moves) started lying to people I care about with regards to these asinine choices because my ability to inflict further harm on myself was, is and probably always will be (but I’m trying, Ringo) more important than being honest with the people I love.
It is yet another financial darkest hour for me and I am running, not walking, to the deepest depths of my Moria as fast as I can. The light of truth and the road to redemption is something I need to flee all costs.
It sucks. It’s really bumming me out. I can’t control myself. I haven’t been able to control myself since I got my very first checkbook when I was 16 years old.
But I do have a plan. It’s drastic but it’s necessary. It is literally a desperate measure in a desperate time. I’m very grateful that one of my closest friends, who I lovingly refer to as “dumbass”, is going to help me. He doesn’t have to help me. He’s got a busy fucking life. The last thing he needs is to help another idiot out.
And let me be clear: by help, I do not mean a loan. I mean actually trying to help me reign in my self-made chaos.
It’s a really fucking fortunate thing.
What can I say? I know how to pick ’em (friends, that is). I got two skills I can claim without too much self-loathing: I can write well and I can make friendships with good people.
So at least I got that going for me.
Yours in insanity,
PS – I’ll probably still post a vacation entry today. But I just wanted to let you two know I’ve been having a rough time lately and as a result, especially shitty blog posts (like yesterday’s) have been making it into the world. I will do my best to do better.