So it’s Easter weekend and hundreds of millions of human beings on planet earth are celebrating the largely Christian account that there was a dude named Jesus who was crucified by Romans in Jerusalem and he rose from the dead 3 days later to redeem mankind; he died for our sins.
I could rant about pretty much any of the phrases in that paragraph but I’m gonna focus on the 3 days in between Jesus being pronounced dead and the day when he allegedly rose from the dead.
God’s omnipotent, right?
So omnipotent means you can do anything, right?
Like Beyoncé, right?
So what took god so long to unearth his kid?
Maybe God (who according to Catholic dogma is also Jesus – I know I know – it’s weird, so on top of the unfathomable delay, he’s also essentially making himself wait? The motherfuckers who thought this shit up were amazing bullshit artists and they must have had some amazing drugs.):
1. Was hungover
2. Was on a mini vacation
3. Wanted to build anticipation
4. Was a fan of numerology
5. Wasn’t really omnipotent (I kid)
6. Was attending a 3-day comic book convention in a galaxy far away
7. Was really lazy and just took a while to get to it
8. Was forgetful
9. Was waiting thirty minutes after he ate before saving mankind (30 minutes could be 3 days)
10. Was working on the world’s first end-user license agreement (or baptism in Christian parlance: rarely do you have a say in it and no one really understands what they’re agreeing to)
11. Was on a bender
12. Was busy killing entire cities of people who didn’t give him his props
13. Was high
14. Was in an existential fight with himself (since Jesus is god remember) and wasn’t sure if he was up to the whole redeeming humanity thing (can’t blame him, humans are generally Assholes). Think two Neurotic Jewish men with mother issues (if they’re the same being: one fucked his mother or didn’t have a mother or was his own father – I’m telling you this SHIT gets murky)
15. Was on a yoga retreat
16. Was waiting for Guffman
17. Was watching a foreword-run (opposite of rerun and only available to beings able to extend their vision and consciousness through time) of Tiger’s 1997 victory in The Masters
18. Wasn’t able to find his phone with the resurrection app on it
19. Was sleeping it off
20. Was covering the 1968 Democratic Convention for the Times
21. Was on a hot streak in 1970’s Vegas before it became the lame theme family-friendly theme park it is today
22. Was just not feeling it
I’m sure there is a detailed and tortured scholarship on this 3 day waiting period (is this like the old waiting period to buy a handgun?). The apostles must have been questioning their homey Jesus’ whole I am god thing during these wild and crazy 72 hours. I’m also sure as Hell not going to look it up right now. I’m also sure it’s a horseshit sandwich composed of illogic, symbolism, prophecies, and that extra special topping “it’s a mystery.” I gotta save a separate post for that one. It’s extra special.
Maybe I’ll rise up tomorrow and give my own special Easter sermon. But I might not have time since I’m celebrating the holiday by going to a comic book convention.
They celebrate their fiction. I celebrate mine.