Arnold’s Army

That last post was pretty intense and negative and I’ve been busy all day so I need to take it easy tonight. I just saw Predator a couple nights and my buddy and I got to talking about whether or not Commando was the better Arnold movie over Predator. Now when you’re dealing with the rarified level of art that is an Arnold movie, there can be no accurate objective rating of quality. Every Arnold movie, even the worst of the worst, is a gift to all of mankind and each person sees many possible things in it. So I have decided to give you the list of Arnold movies, from my least favorite to number one with a bullet.

Who am I to present such an important list? Well, I did grow up in the ’80s and I have seen almost every one of Arnold’s movies. I watch more movies per week than most movie critics do. And I’m probably one of the few people in the western hemisphere that is enthusiastic about putting this list together.

So, again, from worst to best (and my comments may make sporadic appearances):

Batman & Robin (one funny pun does not make up for this affront)

Jingle All the Way (no)

Hercules in New York (terrible – they even dubbed over Arnold’s voice)

T2 (I loved this movie when it came out but when I rewatched it, Ed Furlong’s horrifically bad acting just ruined the movie for me completely. He was the floating turd in an otherwise fun action flick)

The 6th Day (meh part 4)

Red Sonja (cold war flicks were fun but this was nothing special)

Raw Deal (meh, but ok)

Eraser (meh, the later years)

End of Days (meh part 3)

Total Recall (most purists would berate me for having it this low but while it was ambitious, I just never think it reached the glorious levels it was striving for and it just felt like a bloated mess)

Twins (how was this ever greenlit? I give it points for sheer audacity)

Kindergarten Cop (who doesn’t love a fish out of water story? Arnold shows off his comic chops)

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (much better than T2 – but that’s not a high bar)

The Expendables 3 (least fun)

The Expendables 2 (less fun)

Terminator Genisys (it was great to see Arnold back at it) (I’m still mad the people of California for electing Arnold to lead them and thereby stealing about 6 years of movie-making from this juggernaut) (but hey I can’t blame the bear state folks- who wouldn’t want Arnold to lead them to glory?)

The Expendables (fun)

Conan the Destroyer (pretty decent sequel)

Last Action Hero (overly ambitious like Total Recall but I think it came much closer to the mark than Total Recall did)

Conan the Barbarian (tremendous – brought Arnold from TV movies to the big time – we all owe a debt)

Predator (great one-liners, insane action, awesome cast, politically relevant: what’s not to like?)

Commando (the uber cheesy Arnold action flick; definitely the funniest one in the cannon, unintentionally or not)

The Terminator (iconic bad guy, iconic action scenes, fantastically cheesy one-liners, not one bad second in the movie)

OK. I better get to bed. But now you have a sure-fire list to help you on those boring nights when you need some true grace in your life.

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