F*ck this Fortnight

I’ve had a really shitty fortnight, amigos. Since I broke out of the mental death zone in early December of 2017, I have been feeling GREAT. In fact, I think I’m happier and more confident and more optimistic than I have ever been. I have been going out to eat and see movies and drink booze and buy toys for over 3 months. It’s been pretty much a celebration of feeling alive again. Biologically I was alive. But mentally I was checked out and I wanted to end. So I’ve been having loads of financially irresponsible fun.

But in the last 2 weeks, I’ve been hit with financial, mental health, emotional, professional, interpersonal and romantic difficulties. It’s almost as if the universe was pissed that I was so happy for three months. There was probably a mix up in the cosmic Bureau of Happiness Distribution or something. And some decent Brazilian dude somewhere is having horrible, unfair luck.

(Ah I just put on my 90’s hip hop Pandora station – it’s already cheering me up)

And the worst thing is that I’ve made a safe place unsafe for me. I was comfortable and I guess that wasn’t ok with the universe or the evil demon fuckers that live in the darker recesses of my soul. They had to blow up my spot.

(Like how I’m trying to blame anything but me? I don’t.)

I made this bed and now I’m stuck laying in it. And it’s not just a standard, oops I did it again, uncomfortable bed situation. No this is more like the scene in Seven when they find the sloth deadly sin victim. That’s the creepiest and grossest part of the movie to me.

Is it my nature or is it my nurture? It’s probably both. I definitely think there is a genetic and environmental component to my depression/insanity. Is a mental health condition a type of anxiety? I could do a google search but if the commonly bandied about definition of insanity is to perform the same action over and over and expect a different result, then I think depression might fit. And I do have genetic sources, who in my untrained opinion, definitely carry ‘fucked up in the head’ genes. So that explains the biological aspect of my insanity.

(Or maybe my family’s completely innocent and I’m the personification of the god of insanity on earth – or at least one of the personification’s cousins? That would explain my supernatural ability to keep fucking up the same way, Day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, decade after decade, and over multiple continents.)

Anyway, it’s going to be a really long day. And it’s all my goddamn fault. So I decided to talk about trees which really doesn’t fit with the rest of this rant. But I like some kinds of trees. The poem ‘The Giving Tree’ breaks my heart every time I read it. It’s also a bit of a mental challenge. I’m not gonna google so I can see how many trees I can name and supply a stupid comment for.

* Lemon trees-there’s the Peter, Paul and Mary song but I just like the yellow-green color combo and my sister has one in her back yard so anytime I think about her home, it makes me glad.

* Mango trees – if you provide objectively the best fruit on Earth then you deserve to be mentioned.

* Pine trees-they smell good and they remind me of the time when I was a little kid and in love with Christmas. Now, all that Christmas reminds me of is that I’m missing the feeling everyone is supposed to have.

* Banana trees-I do not care for bananas so it would make sense that I don’t like the trees. I’m not even sure it counts as a tree. But I like that they hang upside down. I’ve always had a thing for counter culturalists.

* Dogwood trees-I do not like them aesthetically and I do not like that they have the word dog in their name because dogs are awesome and should not be associated with lame trees.

* Apple trees-fuck Johnny Appleseed. I do not like apples. And I definitely do not like a legion of them hanging on trees (full disclosure: I’ve actually been getting fruit from the bougie supermarkets in my area and the different kinds of apples are actually quite tasty)

* Orange trees-yeah I do like a good orange and I like the orange-green color combo. I can’t explain why. It’s an objectively ugly combination. If I can tell two colors don’t go together then you can guarantee they are bad.

* Those cool trees that look like giant bonsai trees in Africa – they look cool. And if lions hang out near you, then you’re obviously cool by association.

* Bonsai trees: 2 words: Mr. Miyagi.

* Oak trees-the McDonald’s of trees. All over the states and not with one single remarkable feature (though the one near the end of The Shawshank Redemption was pretty cool looking).

* Mangrove trees-they also just look cool and I’m terrified of them because I’m sure they harbor man-eating snapping turtles.

* Are pineapples from trees? I have a feeling they are not but I’m not allowed to google. But if they were, I would love them. First of all, pineapple is delicious! Pineapples look really cool and they come with their own armor. If there was ever a fruit battle royale, the pineapple would probably win.

* Palm trees-but the pineapple would get a good fight from the coconut. The coconut might even win. I also just love that palm trees remind me of California and warm beaches, two things I love with all my heart.

* Maple trees-they’re the ones that produce maple syrup or whatever the raw extract is that they make maple syrup from, right? I know that seems like a stupid question but it’s not like you’re reading a blog written by a genius.

* Nectarine, peach and plum trees? Are they all from trees? I don’t know. I’m gonna wrap this up cause I’m pretty sure no one is reading anymore.

* Redwoods – just go to Muir Woods and stand among them. It will blow your fucking mind.

So anyway I gotta go roll around in the shit pile of my own making. I may repeatedly make incredibly stupid choices but at least I’m consistent.

I need a nap. Bye.

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