I was gonna do a post where I analyzed every line of a song. That particular song has a line about sex. So I got distracted and started thinking about sex. And then I thought well it’s good the singer is going to have sex (in that song’s universe) because sex is good for the mind and body, studies have shown. I think it’s good for the soul, too. But when I thought about the soul, 18 years of Catholic brainwashing popped into my head and said: “sex is not good for the soul; well not sex like is being proffered in that song!” And then I got pissed.
I hate that I’m 43 years old and that bullshit Catholic rhetoric still lives and breathes inside my mind and soul. I have a lot of reasons, besides its asinine position on non-marital sex, to despise the Catholic Church. I was gonna write one huge post about all my beers with the papists but my regular posts are long enough as it is and I don’t think anyone wants to read why I think Catholicism is an unholy plague thrust upon man for millennia by even less holy Assholes. Because it would be CRAZY long.
So I’ve decided to break it up into parts. This will be part 1. It is about what I think of the Catholic Church’s position on sex.
In the holy see’s view, sex is only good if you’re married and using the timing birth control method when you bang. Otherwise, it’s a grave sin you should be ashamed of and it’s dirty and perverted and god hates you for exchanging bodily fluids without a pre-existing marriage ceremony. But god is love you say? He doesn’t hate anyone? Well maybe the New Testament god is a little chiller but then again he also sent his only son to die for the sins of millions of Assholes. It’s a shame god isn’t omnipotent and couldn’t just set things cool some other way. Oh, wait. Yeah, so I’m not exactly buying that New Coke god is super sweet. And I don’t have the time to list how many times Old Testament god was a dick. He literally killed a dude for pulling out when he was having sex with his wife. WITH. HIS. WIFE. Fuck that asshole. That’s no god of mine.
So yeah I don’t really think god is love. So sue me.
So if you bang outside marriage, god, according to his self-appointed PR people on earth, gets pissed at you and I think, if I remember my Catholic school religion classes well, that if you die with a mortal sin on your soul and are not repentant, you get sent to hell.
Hold up. I just went to Wikipedia to check. It’s even worse than I thought. “ For example, in the area of human sexuality, the Catechism of the Catholic Church notes that the following actions can involve increased gravity: extramarital sex, divorce (but not legitimate separation), and masturbation.”
So that means even if you were only jerking off to your favorite cream pie porn clip (do NOT google that – I warned you) and if you a heart attack just as you’re busting a nut (which really is a pretty good way to go), you have committed a grave sin, maybe even a mortal sin your ass is fucked eternally.
But it gets worse.
If you happen to be one of the two parties involved in an instance of sex and that instance results in impregnation, you better best be inside the confines of a marriage or you are now in some serious shit.
Not only have you already committed a serious sin but if the female party in said sex act actually decides to go ahead and terminate the pregnancy, you know, because it’s HER body and it’s NOT a person, then you got nearly HALF the U.S. population think you’re a baby killer and you get another sin on your record.
So if a lady gets knocked up outside the confines of marriage and decides to exercise her human rights and get an abortion, you get 3 sins: fornication, impregnation outside marriage, abortion (which is logically murder if you consider the completely scientifically baseless papist logic that life begins at conception).
I hope that nut was worth it, holmes. Cause now Satan has your ass for-EVER. And if you think god is a dick, the devil is supposed to be an even bigger dick.
Damn people get pregnant outside of marriage all the time. Hell must be crowded than a motherfucker.
Don’t worry, true believer! There’s Confession!
This is how this bone works.
(the one the Catholic bosses threw its membership because they must have realized that all these batshit crazy rules might cost them some sheep if there wasn’t some sort of pressure relief and they realized that their 1% members would never agree to any system in which they would be required to follow moral strictures that impeded their personal preferences. You know, we’ll let you priests fuck boys but I’m going to have to be able to be easily forgiven for my annual poor person hunt I hold on my summer estate.)
You go see a priest and you tell him your sins and you gotta be genuinely remorseful and then he absolves you and all you usually have to do is say like ten prayers. There’s no receipt for saying those prayers. It’s between you and the great asshole in the sky.
And that’s it. Just be legit sorry and say about 10 minutes worth of prayer and you’re as innocent as a newborn baby!
What’s that? Catholicism doesn’t consider newborn babies to be innocent? I’ll tackle that one in the next Catholic beef rant.
Get to fuckin’ y’all. Just imagine: all you gotta do to piss off the Catholic god, who is allegedly an OMNIPOTENT and OMNISCIENT being, is get laid. It seems kinda weird that an all-powerful all-knowing deity would sweat the small stuff. What do I know?