All By Myself

bridget2222Most of my waking brain is telling me this is not a subject I should address. But fuck it. Since when have I listened to reason?

I got diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes about 3 years ago. I wasn’t surprised. I’ve basically been shoveling every conceivable type of carbohydrate in my mouth for 4 decades. And to complement that, I have only exercised for 2 of the 25 years of my adult life. I’m old enough to be pre-internet and pre-cell phone so I was actually pretty active growing up. I actually went outside and I rode bikes and shit. Just like in E.T.

So I wasn’t shocked at all. But I took it upon myself to read a couple books about diabetes. I learned about the history of the condition and the politics behind its rise and the physical damage it does to the human body. I ain’t gonna go into the history or politics but on the last point: it basically eventually destroys every system in the body. My two favorite systems that diabetes destroys are eyesight and sexual function.

You may heard the old that goes if you jerk off too much you will go blind. I’ve done extensive research on this claim and I can assure all my fellow perverts out there that they can proceed without a single worry.

Oh and before I go further with my written onanism, I also want to mention that diabetes can also literally take your feet.

I only want to mention that because it makes one of the jokes I’m about to make come off a little better. Do you see what I do for you?

Diabetes fucks with the blood vessels behind your eyes and in your legs and in your dick. It can render all 3 systems decorative. It can literally leave you blind, crippled and crazy (because you can’t even jerk off and who the hell is gonna have sex with you if you’re blind and you have no feet and – oh yeah – you can’t even get it up to have sex if you could find someone willing).

I’ve been thinking about my diabetes lately because I have my yearly physical coming up. My diabetes related blood work numbers were very, very good about 8 months ago but I’ve been eating like a giant asshole since then. I have no idea what’s going to be revealed. I’m expecting, at the very least, a neutral, knowing look from my physician. There will probably be exhaustion behind her eyes. She is gonna have to give the same diabetes lecture to another fat, self-destructive loser. She knew she should have listened to her father and gone into investment banking.

As far as I’m concerned every doctor’s appointment is just another opportunity for me to disappoint a far smarter person.

Maybe you think lumping in the ability to tend to myself with blindness and immobility is a little weird. “Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.” Woody Allen said that in his masterpiece ‘Annie Hall’. I wouldn’t say I love myself but I like myself ok. And I do owe a huge debt of gratitude to masturbation. Do you have any idea the number of terrible financial and/or interpersonal choices I would have made if I didn’t just pass out after my ode to Onan? My smaller brain saved me while my slightly larger brain was about to send me down a very dark path.

And speaking of Onan, do you know that crazy story? So Onan lived back in Old Testament times. His brother died and back in those days if your brother died you were supposed to marry his widow. I’m not gonna go into why. So Onan married his brother’s widow and set out to consummate the marriage. From what I understand he didn’t want to knock her up but he did want to bang her so he came up with the idea to pull out right before he busted his nut. The Bible text gets pretty explicit here and says he spilled his seed on the floor. So maybe that was a dick move on his part (pun FULLY intended) but get this, God (yes, God HIMSELF) killed him for it.

So I have a lot of problems with this story. First and foremost, pulling out should not be a capital offense. I don’t care what spin anyone puts on that punishment, if you wanna swear your allegiance to a god, maybe you should pick one that doesn’t make Ted Cruz look calm and reasonable.

Secondly, I understand that the religious folks who view masturbation as a sin cite this story as evidence on god’s opinion on jerking off. Here’s the thing. IT WASNT JERKING OFF! He was having sex with his wife! So if you wanna condemn pulling out as a sin, even though that’s just as stupid as condemning masturbation as a sin, that would at least make more sense.

I’m getting uglier every day. I’ve always been a perfectly average run of the mill looking guy. But decades of sedentary life and Taco Bell have cost me my formerly slight frame and genetics have left me bald. I am in no way, shape or form an average looking guy anymore. If we’re doing Olympic scoring and Brad Pitt is a 10 and Donald Trump is a 0, then I’m clocking in at probably a 3.5, maybe a 4 if I didn’t eat too much chili that day.

And don’t even try to sell me on that confidence is what women really like stuff. Even if that was true, I’m not confident! I mean I’m ok with myself but I’m no baller. And I ain’t rich or famous or powerful either. So all I got left is my terrible jokes. Can you see why I haven’t had a date in over 2 years?

Jerking off is all I got left! My only other Avenue is sex workers. And I’m really trying to cut down on that hobby. It’s very expensive! And now the shitshow FCC has given ISP’s the green light to ignore net neutrality principles. My ISP is going to look at my internet search history and raise my internet rates by like 50000 percent! And I’m gonna have to get 2 part time jobs just to be able to afford my porn! But I’ll be working so many hours that I won’t even have the time to use it!

It’s the end times.

Please donate to the Democratic Party. They’re completely incompetent but they’re my only hope. And the only hope for the legions of sad, perverted losers who just want a few minutes of joy in their lives once a day. Is that really too much to ask?


Your Single Minded Friend


Why doesn’t iOS predictive text complete ‘masturbation’? It’s not profanity. It’s a medical term. Tim Cook, you are a giant pussy. Are you the religious right’s dog? Assholes.

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