MV5BYThhY2VhMDMtZDI5Zi00YjFiLWI5MzgtNjFlODUwMTAxYzEwXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMjUyNDk2ODc@._V1_I went to the mall today. I live only a 10 minute drive away from Tyson’s Corner center in Northern Virginia but I hardly ever go cuz I do most of my shopping online. I’m a lazy asshole; if I can achieve something while sitting on my ass as opposed to actually physically moving, I’m gonna do that.

I had to go and buy eyeglasses for driving at night because my entire body is disintegrating. And because of that, I’ve come way too close to death driving at night. I really don’t want to die in my 1997 Honda Accord. I’d like to die in a nicer car.

Like the South Park theme song goes, there is ample parking day or night at the mall. I wondered if kids today still hang at the mall to kill a few years before they’re able to binge drink at Rumors. I have no idea and I’m sure as hell not going to try and have a conversation with a random teenager about it. Teenagers are all giant as*holes.

In the UK the official drinking age I think is 16, Maybe 18. But what I’ve been told by UK residents is that if you’re not perceptibly drunk and look like you’re 16 or so, you’ll get served booze. I think there’s a school of thought that says if you make something available and permissible to teenagers, they really won’t be that interested.

Let me disabuse you of that notion. I’ve bought Buckfast for eager teens in Glasgow, Scotland because I guess they pissed off that particular local vendor (not sure why they didn’t just go try one of the hundreds of other Buckfast sources) but I’m always happy to contribute to the delinquency of anyone so I bought them some. I’ve also strolled down Sauchiehall St in the early AM hours on a Friday or Saturday night and I can assure you that teenage Weegies, despite being given free access to booze at an earlier age than their American cohorts, are still very interested and very proficient at getting fucked up on alcohol.

I chose to buy my eyeglasses frames at the Warby Parker store because I listened to a ‘How I Built This’ podcast about the founders and I dug their story and they claim to donate a pair of eyeglasses to a person in need for everyone that is purchased by a yuppie asshat like me.

I’m not gonna go into detail about how the particular sales associate helped me pick out frames. I’m saving that for another post. But suffice it to say, it was fucking amazing. I got two amazing frames that my uncool ass would never have been able to pick out on my own. And they were hella cheap!

As I walked to get lunch at this bougie restaurant in the mall, I noticed teenagers milling about just like they did back when I had hair and hope.

I Wonder if kids still hang at the mall as much as they did in my day. I’ve read that kids arent driving or working PT jobs anymore. Those jerks would rather be chauffeured around and given money for nothing rather than work for it. Shit. Those fucking geniuses sure have it figured better than my generation did.

I have a shitload more to say about the mall and my many fucked up misdeeds in these hallowed confines. But it’s Saturday, my only day off and I’m out of shape and drunk and lazy so I’m gonna save those diatribes for another day.

But I’m gonna leave you with my 5 most favorite and 5 most hated vendors in the Tyson’s Corner Mall Center.

To wit:

Best around:


The LEGO store


The sushi conveyor belt restaurant

The Apple Store

Shittiest around:

The Windows Store


Any of the major department stores (except Nordstrom’s: they rock)


Panda Express

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