Save Yourselves

SetWidth940-trainspottingI am in the midst of 3 food and beverage studies. I plan to publish the fascinating results in a later post but I had such an extraordinary experience with one of the test subjects yesterday that I have to speak about it immediately.

(Now I know it’s controversial as to whether living being should be used in scientific, or in my case dumb, research. Well I just don’t care if I sacrifice Lactobacillus bulgaricus and Streptococcus thermophilus, Lactobacillus acidophilus, Bifidus and other live cultures in the pursuit of knowledge. I will burn those legions down for my own twisted amusement.)

The test subject is Ripple Food’s Strawberry flavor Greek Yogurt Alternative. The motto written right under the flavor is “Dairy-Free. As it should be.” I’m a little lactose intolerant and I get some pretty nasty farts when I eat too much ice cream so I certainly don’t mind a lactose-free alternative.

On the side of the cup, the following propaganda is listed:

Soy free

Nut free

100% Vegan

Gluten Free

Lactose free

As I was about to try this, I read this list to my coworker friend next to me and quipped “probably taste free.” We shared a chuckle at my lame joke.

My joke was very, very wrong.

I opened it up and my friend and I peered into the cup. You know how every other instance of yogurt in the universe, upon opening it, is bright white with a tiny reservoir of water on top because you haven’t yet mixed it up so the fruit substance at the bottom gets even distributed? This yogurt was already the color of wet cardboard. My friend said “That does not look right.” I agreed internally but replied “I’m gonna give it a chance!” I mixed the beige substance (I use this terminology because I am not willing to acquiesce to the fact that this is any kind of edible product, let alone yogurt.). But the color did not change. No lovely pieces of fruit clumped up to the surface.

I scooped a small spoonful into my mouth.

Have you seen Ratatouille, the Pixar movie? It’s one of my favorites. Near the end (spoiler alert), the evil food critic character scoops a bit of the hero’s best food dish which the hero has made in an attempt to impress the evil critic. As it hits his evil taste buds, the critic’s pupils constrict and he immediately flashes back to a childhood memory. His mother is consoling him with a delicious home cooked bowl of his favorite dish because he had just been beaten up. The hero’s food was so good that it evoked that memory and pure joy.

I had a similar moment. Except when I put that substance in my mouth I was transported to the toilet stall in the famous Trainspotting scene which is quite possibly the most disgusting WC ever imagined.

I lurched back to reality and found myself fighting my gag reflex. I figured I’d just choke down this little monstrous bit, toss the rest of it away and try to walk away from this as a teachable moment.

I could not. Imagine if you took a popsicle (any flavor your like) and rubbed it thoroughly on the floor of the world’s dirtiest alleyway (Think late 90’s block by block fighting in the Balkans or any other armed conflict; I’m sure the alleyways in every one are hideous).

And then you tried to eat that popsicle. That is what it tasted like. At first I didn’t want to spit it out because I didn’t want to gross out my friend. But every emergency neuron in my body was screaming “GET THAT SHIT THE FUCK OUT NOW!!!” and I had to comply.

I have eaten some pretty disgusting things in my life. You don’t get to be a fat bastard like me without sampling a wide assortment of foods that the great wide world has to offer.

But I can safely say I have never tasted anything like that. The CIA can throw out all their established “enhanced interrogation” techniques. Just make the interview subject put this stuff in their mouth. To quote Harvey Keitel in Reservoir Dogs, if you make them eat that stuff, “After that he’ll tell you if he wears ladies’ underwear.”

Never again.

Never forget.

Warn your friends and family.

Worst. Yogurt-like. Substance. Ever.

I’m gonna go eat some Noosa to remember that there really is some good left in the world.


I had bought a Blueberry flavor one as well but I threw that shit out this morning. I’m not going to risk tasting that and have that sludgified evil attempt to kill me again , or worse, twist my soul into an unpalatable swamp.

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